Wednesday, 25 April 2012

Fuck You Very Very Much








So, I logged onto my old Hotmail today as I needed to use an alternate e-mail account and had used all 3 of my normal ones. In my inbox, I found a recent e-mail from Steve. Yes, the wanker who beat me for 5 years etc etc. The contents? Asking how I was. Now, last I recall of Steve, he was threatening to kill me about oh, 4 years ago. He's moved on from that to asking how I am. Lolwut?

Steve isn't someone who is capable of change other than his underwear (and needed to be reminded about that as it happens) and to a latter extent his socks. I know that an e-mail like that is indicative that things are not going well for him. Quite frankly I couldn't give a rat's ass. I doubt things will ever go as badly for him as they have for me. As far as I'm concerned he gave up his right to enquire about my well-being that first time he hit me.

Before I get more into a rant (which is what this essentially is), I will point out that I feel nothing for him other than hoping that he gets run over by a double decker at some point.

I know that after he fucked me over on us "getting back together" he did various things such as wiping my Livejournal and MySpace as I was stupid enough to have saved all my passwords and shit on Firefox on the computer we shared. I was naive enough to think at the time that it showed that I had no secrets from him and was showing him that I didn't mind him going through my PMs and such because I had nothing to hide. All it did was bite me in the ass.

I have spent YEARS trying to fix the damage he did to me. I'm mostly there in a lot of ways, even if assholes like Richard fucked things up more and made me withdraw even more into a turtle shell. What the hell makes him think that he has any motherfucking right to so much as enquire about how I am now, where I'm living or what I'm doing? Does he SERIOUSLY think that I'm going to reply back to him at all, let alone with a "Yeah I'm good thanks, you?". While I may have put a lot behind me, it's a very big step from moving on from someone and having tea and crumpets with them. I made it quite clear that I wanted nothing more to do with him ever again. At all. Full stop. Not to mention there's the fact that his mother and mine are more than likely still in touch. Do I really want her sticking her nose into my life again and fucking me up even more? God no. I made that quite clear not only when she kicked me out and I actually fought back but also when she tried to contact me a couple of Christmases ago. At the time I was in emergency accommodation, had barely a penny to my name and she first tried accusing me of reporting her to child services regarding my sister. I don't know who did it, but it wasn't me. She seemed to think it was though. I was very forthright and told her to go fuck herself. A while later she tried to offer me £20 as a "Christmas present". I told her to get fucked. And not in the good way.

Yeah, I guess when I think about it there's still a lot of anger there at both of them, however as long as they stay out of my life, I don't have a problem. That's my way of coping: removing the problem and moving on.

So yes, I'm not going to get worked up about this. I will admit that seeing that e-mail has made me somewhat reflective. See, it was 10 years ago that I met him. I started to think about how much I've changed in those 10 years. For one thing I take a lot less shit than I did back then. The same passion and spirit? Yeah I got that and it's only gotten stronger over time. Am I glad all hat stuff happened? That's like asking a 9/11 survivor if they're glad they've become a stronger person since losing a leg in the explosion. If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't go through the same things that I did to make me the person I am today. The person I am today has a lot of issues as a result of all that happened.

So yeah, I'm over it. Just needed to get it out of my system and vent. Now it's gone. Just like he is from my life again :)

1 comment:

Rowancat11 said...

Good for you Bella! Here's to strong women and weakarsed men!