Tuesday, 14 February 2012

Your Carpet Burns and Bruises Blue Are There For All To See



Okso, I saw this link shared a couple of times in my newsfeed:


http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/horrible-reactions-to-chris-brown-at-the-grammys


Curious what was being shared by 2 of my friends, I clicked.


The first Tweet disturbed me but ya know, some people are crazy. Scrolling down and seeing 25 women saying they think Chris Brown is god's gift and that they want to be beaten by him? That's way past crazy. That's seriously fucked up shit.


Now, don't get me wrong, I realise that most of these stupid idiots weren't serious. I hope. However, my faith in society isn't that strong.


As someone who has been through domestic violence for a large part of her life and come through onto the other side, I don't understand why someone would WANT to have a guy use her as a punchbag. I spotted one guy in the comments on that page try to say that all they wanted was BDSM. Now the problem is there that you can tell there's a difference between a bit of slap and tickle in the bedroom and being full on lamped in the face in public. A HELL of a lot of difference.
Personally speaking, I do enjoy BDSM, which I find given all I've been through is quite amazing. I think it's because I actually have the mental and emotional capacity to separate the two in my head and be able to distinguish between them. The thing is with the BDSM that I enjoy, I never fully totally lose control. There's either a safe word or there's a way for me to slip my bonds (assuming I'm subbing it up). That safeguard is the reason that I can do that stuff. I HAVE had experiences from my past affect my sex life and I DID find ways to work around them. I was unable to have anal for years following being anally raped. My body physically would react to the mere idea of it, even when I thought I'd gotten past it mentally. However, over time I was able to relax myself, become comfortable and trust the other person. And that's what BDSM is largely based on: trust. In my head I find it easier to trust someone physically than emotionally as I know that physical scars will heal faster than emotional and mental.


However, back to these stupid morons... My first reaction was "I hope the lot of you actually get punched in the face so you know how fucking bad it really is to be treated like that as you clueless dipshits seem to have no fucking idea." Then I realised that probably wouldn't teach them anything at all. For some, maybe. For others, they might actually enjoy it. Yes, there ARE some women out there who actually feed on domestic violence as they believe it's their man showing how much they love them.
Some of the comments to the Tweets were as bad as the Tweets themselves, although I have to say I agreed with some of them:


"I'm a real man, and only evil cowards beat women, but maybe if I met these 25 cunts I could learn how?"

"stupid bitches !!!! You ll regret if some asshole beats you one day , and it s an insult to all the women that went through it , even if it s just for fun !!!"

"DID I ENTER CRAZY TOWN!! This is soo sad all you little girls and i mean little girls want this asshole chris brown to beat them up. Really have any of you Idiots been in an abusive relationship then you wouldn't be so chipper about getting “punched in the face” REally LADIES? Where are the real women out there who stand up for them selves."

"I'm so glad these people and their Twitter accounts got called out for the world to see. Nice work, Buzzfeed!"

"This is EXACTLY what's wrong with society today! I really hope the fucking Mayans were right about 12/21/12. As a species we should just cut our losses, wipe the slate clean and start over."

"The worst part about it is these women will breed, and no matter what comes out of their vaginas, society is doomed."


But you know, women who are LITERALLY asking for abuse are the ones who make a mockery of the women (and men) who do suffer through domestic violence.


I had the misfortune of getting into a relationship of this type at the age of 16, sticking with it because I loved the guy and thought I had no other options, then jumping straight into another right after. 7 years of abuse from partners after 16 from my mother and her partners. That's 23 years. When you consider I'm only 26, that's a huge chunk of my life.
For a while I was stupid enough to fall into the trap myself. It started harmlessly enough by thinking that someone's jealous actions were because he loved me. The checking of my phone, going through my emails, demanding to know where I was, asking 20 questions after I got through the door when I came home... They all seemed harmless enough and soon they escalated into me getting a backhand when I was a bit late home, being slapped in the face when I spoke to someone that he didn't like or felt threatened by. Over time that then descended into him punching and kicking me, taking my money away from me and spending it himself, picking arguments with me because he'd had a bad day... And still I clung onto the desperate idea that he still loved me. Because it wasn't all shit. That's how they trick you. The day after they first start with this shit, they'll give you a present or do something extravagant to say sorry. And you fall for it and believe they really are sorry. The second and third times you'll accept their gifts/apologies with a somewhat more resigned air. After long, they take it for granted that you can be treated like that. Think of it as the natural progression of a relationship and how it can go from getting a bunch of flowers every time he sees you to not at all. That's how domestic violence creeps up on you as well.
The sad thing is, it's not just a case of having the living shit kicked out of you. It can start with playful putdowns that become more cutting to the point where you're being constantly demeaned and devalued by your partner. And I don't just mean "Your arse looks huge in that dress". The thing with this is it's even sneakier than the physical violence. Why? Because it gets shrugged off a lot more as playful jokes for a lot longer. And then one day you realise that your partner actually has no fucking respect for you at all, is treating you like a piece of shit and you've been letting it happen for so long.


Domestic violence comes in many forms. I've just gone through the two most common. There are other types I've not directly specified here that I and others have gone through. There's also the misconception that it only happens to women. Not true. I know guys who have gone through the same stuff with their girlfriends. The thing that seems to keep the guys around (sadly enough) is if children are involved. I've been brought down to the point where I wanted to kill myself. Where I had my partners strip me of all physical possessions, all my emotions, my thoughts, my friends... All but a couple that they couldn't silence along with my strong will and spirit that can't be killed at the base of it. One of the guys I class as a brother to me helped give me the strength to walk away from my last abusive relationship where I had the guy threaten to kill me. Same guy also warned me about throwing myself back into another relationship that was going down the same lines which had already started to descend into something that bad once again. For that, I am thankful to him and proud to call him my brother, even if we aren't blood related and do squabble like siblings a lot.


Do I see myself as a battered girlfriend? Not now. I think my feeling a victim stage passed a long time ago. I can speak objectively about it and without much if any emotion now. I call that a shitload of progress, especially considering I have BPD. I have a boyfriend who I trust, who respects me and loves me. I'm also strong and confident enough in myself to know that if I was encountering the same sort of behaviour again, I would get the FUCK out of there. Am I a pussy? No, I'm simply someone who knows that neither she nor anyone else deserves to be treated like a piece of shit. That I deserve to be treated "decently" and not like a piece of gym equipment (unless it's an exercise bike or a rowing machine ;D). I've been to the depths where I honestly thought the only way out was suicide and attempted that numerous times as a solution. I also know that in my heart of hearts, I wouldn't wish that upon anyone. So while I see these girls as fucking retards, I don't believe the true solution is for them to go through what I and others have done who were victims of domestic violence.


While I don't believe that everything happens for a reason, I have to admit that there are amazing circumstances that lead to others.
In getting away from my abusive relationships, I met my current boyfriend. He's the most honest and genuine guy I've ever had the fortune to meet and I'm glad that I never gave in to what I saw as my solutions. If he is my reward for what I suffered through, then I can deal with what happened as I know I'm stronger as a result and that he will only encourage me to grow stronger as a person.
I find it quite entertaining that the chain of events that led to uncapping my writing (and subject material) were as follows:
- chatting to said boyfriend about music and linking him to videos
- Watching this video for the first time after loving the song for so long:
Chase & Status - Time
- Seeing the link on my news feed while I was skimming my news feed
- Realising that what I had to say had specific relevance given the date (14th Feb, for me at least;P).


And I guess in a way this is one of the best Valentine's gifts I've ever received, even if it was unintentional.


Thank you honey for being my inspiration and my muse <3