Thursday, 23 June 2011

All These Things That I've Done

I was in a musing mood for a while earlier while browsing YouTube and coming across some songs I haven’t heard in 12 years and thinking “Wow, late 90s and early 2000s were awesome for music”. Then it kinda hit me “Fuck, that was 12 years ago… I’m 26 this year…” I’ve joked a few times about getting “old” and as much as I know you’re only as young as the woman (or guy) you feel, it started to put a few things in perspective for me. A lot of people come to me for advice which I’m more than happy to dispense, but at the same time I get aggravated when people ask for my opinion and then go and do the absolute opposite or act like I haven’t said anything at all. Makes me kinda “FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUU-“ inside and wonder why they bothered asking me in the first place. I’ll admit that I’m not amazing at taking my own advice (but who is?) and that I’ve made a lot of mistakes. I see my life so far as an example on how NOT to do things and therefore I can tell people “Well, you don’t want to do xyz…” But I digress.

While thinking about the advice that I’ve dispensed, I’ve thought about the advice that I’ve been given and this ties into the whole YouTube thing as well. Back when I was 16, I thought I knew best. When people gave me advice, I ignored it. Back when I was 21, I thought I knew best. When people gave me advice, I ignored it. Now I’m almost 26, I know I don’t always know best. When people give me advice, I fucking listen. Yeah, it’s taken me almost 10 years to stop and think that people might actually have valid points when they give me advice. I suppose part of that was arrogance in a way, thinking that the other person didn’t know the whole situation in the same way that I did, that maybe they were wrong and things might actually work out if I did things my way. I guess my frustrations with my friends are a few things:

- I’ve generally been in similar situations and can see they’re heading down the same routes that I did (and the “but this time it might work” logic usually DOESN’T :P)
- I know I’ll be hearing about how it didn’t work out when it doesn’t
- I don’t want to see them get hurt
- It makes me feel like a failure when I advise someone and they still get hurt

But see, that’s part of what I have to re-learn. Emotional detachment, in a sense. I was at one extreme when I was with Robbie and he made me stop giving a shit about everyone and everything and I guess that lasted for longer than I thought. I dunno, it’s like after him when I was having to rebuild myself mentally, I ended up caring too much about others. In terms of opinions of me, the only ones I really care about are those of people who are important to me.

Along with all that came redefining who I was again and I guess it took longer than I thought. Steve was a very… oppressive individual. Much like my mother, he tried to impose his beliefs, likes and dislikes upon me. For a while, I gave into that. I was young and impressionable. Then I started to grow some balls (not literally) and realise that we actually had different tastes in certain things. He took objection to this as I think he wanted us to be the exact same person (and as I don’t take pleasure in beating the shit out of people, I guess we were never going to be that), and in the years that have passed, I appreciate having differences in a relationship all the more. It comes down to a balance. Too many or major differences and it won’t work. Too few and you get bored of each other. I know personally I like someone with a very similar personality to myself. I like to feel needed but not to the point where I’m propping the other person up 24/7. Making people believe in themselves seems to be something I’m good at. I’ve always had the “so and so was so quiet/down/introverted before they met you”. I wouldn’t say that I’m a bouncing off the walls ball of hyper squeeness all the time (although when I’m on a manic, I can be exactly that), but I do seem to give people some confidence. I enjoy doing batshit insane and random things. Sometimes the batshit insane and random things are pretty romantic. I don’t recommend writing a message in gravel on someone’s driveway when said driveway is the same colour as the gravel though. It tends to get overlooked due to the similar colour of the stones and as cute as the gesture may be, you also end up with the whole thing of the gravel goes everywhere. Yes, that is something I actually did for someone… -blush- Anyway, my point is that I enjoy that side of myself. Not just the romantic, but the desire to do those things that may seem crazy to others. Probably the same part of me that still loves going on the swings at the park at my age. The world has more than enough of its share of boring and ordinary. I guess that’s why I’ve always had a love of /b/ and all the random stuff that I come across on the internets not to mention the people I can mess around with and do crazy things with.

Having BPD is kinda challenging though. I mean, sometimes I can have amazing bouts of self-confidence and really be happy with myself and the next I can (in the words of Lit) “kick the living shit out of me”. Unfortunately I can’t just stop that and it’s generally when I need a bit of a push. As much as I know people overuse the tagline under my blog title, it’s very true for myself. My worst times are bad. I know this. They’re not as bad as they once were and for that I’m grateful. I honestly feel like I AM improving. I also know that my good times are fucking amazing and awesome. I hope to have many more while I can :3

1 comment:

The Wonderer said...

Haha, I get annoyed being a counselor when people come to me for help and then ignore what I say. I am always thinking you little bastards, you come take advantage of my counselling for free then you shit on it anyways. But, alas, we all do what we wanted to start with.