Monday, 18 April 2011

They Say That Promises Sweeten The Blow

You know, I really wanted to make a positive blogpost. I thought about updating the other day as I realised I'd left it so long. Trouble is, I don't really have that much to write about at the moment. I know right now I'm about to hit another low and I don't know what to do about it.

Couple of weeks ago I was thinking about the whole anniversary of my diagnosis thing. Things have been a bit easier since I got it but things are still hella awkward. I'll be perfectly truthful, I sat thinking about that whole night and it made me feel physically sick. I don't know how much of it is because I've been heading towards this low for a while or what. I guess that's what I really hate. Not knowing why I feel certain things or being able to control so much of it.

Inside my head is just a fuckload of conflict. I hate isolating myself but at the same time I don't know how to be around people without hurting them. It'll be something stupid like a comment I make or one of my moods coming on and me not being able to do anything about it. I honestly don't know how to deal with it. Either way I push people away. I guess part of what sickens me at them moment is knowing that how I feel is part self-inflicted.

Right now, I have a vague idea of where I want things to go, a picture of how I want things to be. I just don't know how to achieve it.