Tuesday, 28 December 2010

You Sedate Me, Elevate Me, Incarcerate Me And You Hate Me...

(Author's Note: This blog entry has taken several days to write due to the amount of emotion invoked whilst doing so. I apologise for the lateness.)

I sat thinking a few days ago that I'd be making this post sometime soon. The fun part will be catching it on Facebook so I can tag people in it.

This year has, without question, been the most eventful in my life. For good and bad reasons. Sure, I wasn't homeless like 2009, my financial situation has stabilised somewhat, I wasn't arrested, I wasn't raped and my life wasn't threatened in a terrorist attack. However a lot of pain went on. And still is.

At the very start of this year, I was given a stable tenancy in a shared house. It's not ideal but it's a permanent roof over my head while I try to sort things out. Sadly that's taking longer than I imagined. It upsets me and frustrates me that 5 months ago, I was positive about my future, that I had plans, that I was optimistic about life. Despite the crap that was going on, I was still looking forward to things and trying to plan somewhat of a future. Now... I feel lost. Every time I fall, it takes longer to get back up again. There's a limit to how many times I'll be able to do it too.

Anyhow, I suppose I should try and go over the good things that happened in 2010 but... I guess I'm losing the will to do so. I've forged some awesome friendships and had some great times. Had the end of this year gone differently, I suppose that I would have had more things to say regarding personal achievements as well. At the moment I feel like I haven't actually made much progress at all.

Every time I start talking about my BPD affecting me, I feel like I'm making excuses for myself. I try so fucking hard to deal with my emotions, to try and act "normal" and I just can't do it. I hate myself for still being in love with Inigo. I've tried so hard to make myself hate him, to try and realise that how he's acted has been totally twattish... and it gets me nowhere. I've tried drinking, I've tried not drinking. I've tried smoking weed, I've tried not smoking it. I've tried sleeping with other people, I've tried being celibate. I've surrounded myself with people, I've spent time on my own. I've kept myself occupied, I've taken time out to relax. I've tried to take time out to get over him, I've tried to move on. It's not just the being in limbo that's stressed me out, it's being deserted again and I really can't tell what it is that I've done other than being stupid enough to accept help from someone who I thought was a friend. I've said it before and I'll say it again, it's like I'm being punished for a minor mistake.

If I'm such an amazing person, why have I been ignored for the past 4 months? If there's no ill towards me, why would I be blanked without so much as an explanation? If he has respect for me, why aren't we at least giving things a shot at friendship? Or am I really that worthless?


So anyway... 2010.

As I recall after a rather amusing Christmas which I spent most of drunk with my hand up a turkey's arse, I arranged to meet someone for New Year's drinks. Said person ended up being my fuck-buddy and I have to say that we have a pretty good friendship even now. I still haven't forgiven him for the mark he left on my thigh with my whip though ¬_¬ Anyway, as I recall we saw in the New Year discussing politics and drinking vodka. Very civilised as far as my past celebrations have gone. The next day involved me meeting up with my "bro" Marlon. Who got stranded in Norwich because the buses weren't running to Sheffield. This was the night where we "acquired" a bundle of EDPs and threw them in the river. But yeah, it was good to see Marl as I've looked upon him as my little brother for a few years. Tis amusing to introduce him to people as my brother ;D. But yeah, I know he and I have been there for each other through some pretty horrible crap.

I started dating a guy called Will not long into January. Him being 6'7" was... well, a lot of neckache. He was very quiet and shy in a lot of ways. Misha tended to bully him... a lot. He said it felt like he was dating her as well as me. Then there was an incident involving Jomiy where I had to be there for her and that shook him up badly. I was still struggling with what was going on in my head at the time and I remember we had an argument on the way to Tesco one day for absolutely no reason. I'd not been sleeping properly and now I can recognise that I was on a manic. All the flaws suddenly came out and I realised that ... well, I just didn't feel for him the way I thought I did. Misha dragged me out to a pub quiz and that was when I met Inigo. He was dating a girl who had tried hitting on my ex (while she was with Inigo I later found out) who I was trying to patch things up with some months before. On the night I just remember that he was taken, so was I, I was instantly attracted to him. I spent the evening getting very drunk as I was upset over things with Will, ended up throwing up in the gutter outside the Belle Vue (which has been bleached by the acidity of my vomit). The next day he added me on Facebook and I was all O_O. Shaun (one of my old housemates) told me that on the way home I was going on about how embarrassed I was that I'd thrown up in front of him and was trying to throw myself into the road. At one point he had to actually pick me up and carry me home because I was so paralytic. I tried to put those feelings out of my head for him, telling myself that nothing would ever happen. About a week passed and I got a text from Will saying "We need to talk". Everyone knows what that's code for.

I pre-empted what was about to come with "You want to end things, don't you?" Turns out I was right. I got very drunk that evening, went over to Richard's (I still have the memories of staggering up Unthank Road, swigging from a bottle of vodka and singing Amy Winehouse songs at the top of my lungs) and... did some stupid things. Almost ended up with something happening that I really would not have wanted to happen. I've always said I'm not into watersports. Anyway, I told Will what had happened a couple of days later when he wanted to sit down and talk about the breakup and he accused me of having cheated on him. I still say that we'd already broken up as that was kinda done by text? Anyway, he said he didn't like my mood changes, didn't like my friends and found me "scary" at times with how my moods could change so quickly. I do remember that was a period of my rapid cycling with medication not working (yay for me being on anti-depressants that just made me hyper).

So, about half a week later, Misha was going on about going to the Arts Centre for a gig that her then boyfriend was playing at. I agreed as I thought having a night out with the girls would do me good. She hinted that a couple of guys were interested in me, including Inigo. Turns out he and Jess had split up not long before Will and I had. I sort of raised my eyebrow and left it at that. Anyway, he met up with us that evening, we.. talked as much as was possible for the Arts Centre with a gig on. I remember being so nervous and the alcohol that I'd drunk previously seeming to do nothing. Misha told me that she was texting him and telling him to make a move on me (and she was doing the same to me ¬_¬) and I told her to knock it off; that if anything was going to happen, it would. I think it really started when I sat next to him on one of the settees and started being a bit affectionate. Then Misha had some "crisis" and demanded that we both walk her down Unthank Road. You know, bearing in mind I live around the corner from the Arts Centre. After we dropped her off, I was shocked that Inigo walked me home. It seemed rude not to invite him in plus I wanted to spend more time with him. We sat talking for 12 hours. That was followed by some sleep, then waking up and having sex.

I remember telling him I love him for the first time, the amount of joy he brought to my life. I just wish there hadn't been so much crap going on at the same time. I was still struggling with getting my re-diagnosis We had our first major issue when I was still insecure about some things which is kinda understandable given my past experiences, and I was at my wit's end over what I was going to do about my diagnosis. Part of me really wanted to kill myself, the rest of me didn't. To this day I regret him being the one to call the police to get me sectioned that night. At the time I just... didn't think. I was so wrapped up in what was going on in my head that I couldn't think about anyone else's reactions. I guess I thought that Inigo wouldn't really care. I mean, we'd not been together for that long, he had loads of friends... Originally it started as something as a means to get my diagnosis then the more I thought about it, the more it seemed to... make sense. Which is why I should never think about things for too long because I have ways of rationalising them.

Anyway, that event caused us to almost break up. We had some time apart, discussed things and stayed together. I started to pull myself together somewhat and things were good. Then... stuff started to happen in the shape of a big Misha-shaped cloud. The jealousy of what Inigo and I had, the tampering with my medication, the making my manics worse, the increasing paranoia she caused me to have which made some insecurities start to creep back. Then to cap it all off, I found out I was pregnant, Later found out this was down to Misha giving me antibiotics whilst I was on the pill. Unfortunately I was also on seroquel at the time. Having had miscarriages in the past, I had a very difficult decision to make. Knowing that I've had issues conceiving in the past (Steve and I actively tried for 2 years after I lost the twins), I had to decide on whether to have this kid or have an abortion because Inigo and I had been put in this situation that neither of us wanted to be in. I decided that it would be for the best for me to have an abortion due to neither of us being ready for it. Of course, Misha had already done a lot of damage by shouting at Inigo down the phone that he had to man up and take responsibility as a father. While she was doing this, I was too traumatised by everything that was going on to really interject. I was in floods of tears and trying to keep myself together. The latter part of that conversation had Inigo and I agreeing that it was the better option and that we'd give staying together while he was in Cambridge a try.

Not long after this, we had an argument over him playing peacekeeper in Fran's already over relationship. I'd had Misha lecturing me that I should keep the baby, I was a mess from pregnancy hormones (they and I really don't mix as I know from past experience), had 20 million things going on in my head and sent him a text saying I wanted things to be over between us. I guess what I needed most at the time was him and he wasn't there for me. I felt that he passed up giving me support over something that was a really big fucking deal to... I don't even know. All I could really discern from the whole thing was that there was no tension between Jack and Fran, so at least THEY had a good weekend.

I was still getting my head around all of this and contemplating going back on my abortion decision as it was more or less just down to me. That was when I found out about the medication; both the antibiotics and the effects of seroquel. I'd felt bad enough because of smoking weed and drinking so much. When I started spotting, I can't say I was really shocked. When everything started gushing, I knew exactly what was going on. Inigo was away at Sonisphere that weekend. I debated texting him and telling him but thought it was something best discussed over the phone as a text/Facebook seemed way too insensitive and he couldn't be there in person to talk about it.

He'd agreed to come to my Prince's Trust final presentation. We had an okish time laughing and joking. He even turned up in a suit just like I requested lol. Yes, he was well aware of my suit fetish. We went out to a pub to chat and have a drink before he went home, things weren't going too well regarding negotiations over us getting back together, I went outside for a smoke, Misha walked past and... I attacked her. I'd simply lost complete control over myself. I grabbed her hair by the roots and started snarling at her about what she'd done. I'd had to put up with her all afternoon at the presentation, heard people talking about her at the first pub we went to (where she'd apparently been telling people she was a qualified social worker...) and her walking past was clearly more than I could handle. Something inside me snapped, I wasn't in control of myself. One of her friends stepped in front of me and said "You'll have to get to me first" or something similarly stupid and I lunged for him. Another grabbed me from behind and I swung them into a parked car. I vaguely recall there being a dent in the side and I don't know if I was responsible for that or if it was already there. One of the doormen from the Glasshouse came over and said that the police were on their way and I should leave, so I did. I got onto Colegate and collapsed on the pavement sobbing. Fortunately Richard (Allyce's brother, not my ex) called when I got in and I was trying to explain things down the phone. Inigo didn't want me to be on my own that evening so he gave me the cab fare to get to Allyce's as I could hardly stand. I remember passing out on the settee not long after I arrived.

I made the mistake of inviting him to my birthday. I thought I'd be able to handle things but it was all still too raw for me. I ended up getting seriously pissed and then trying to discuss getting back together wasn't a smart idea while pissed and having so many other things going on in my head. Obviously I was still shaken up from everything from before, had some family stuff going on that wasn't exactly easy to cope with either, ended up getting overemotional and took two overdoses. That was the last time I saw him.

Since then I've tried talking and been ignored. I had to go through Cambridge a couple of weeks ago and was certain I saw him at the train station where I had a panic attack and had to run for the train. I've been not wanting to go out because I might see him, because I've not been in the mood... many reasons. My head has been one giant mixing bowl emotionally. I've managed to work out some shit regarding my past and leave some things behind me. All I want it another chance. If not at a relationship, then at the very least at a friendship so this can be truly put in the past instead of shutting the door and walking away. Doors have a tendency to re-open in the future, no matter how well you think it's locked and barred.

I've got so much more that I could say, but to be quite honest, I feel that it's all for nothing other than getting it off my chest. Unlike a stuffy cold, this is more like cancer. I remove part and it comes back.

I realise that my summary of this year has mostly been stuff with Inigo and I. There have been some truly awesome people who have made it all more bearable and helped me in various ways to get through things. I shall be tagging you when Facebook decides to publish this post as listing you all would take forever. I trust that if you're tagged, you'll be able to think of at least one thing that we did together that made you smile though :)

Here's to hoping that 2011 will treat you all well. I know I'm not expecting anything amazing after last year and my "how much worse could 2010 be after 2009?"; I've learned my lesson. I do know one thing that would resolve a lot of issues right now but I highly doubt that it'll happen.

Saturday, 11 December 2010

Me, Myself and I That's All I Got In The End

Sometimes I really wonder about people. This exchange of messages proves my point. I don't think I'm an overly attractive person in any way, shape or form. I'm pretty open about my BPD (which hopefully sends enough people, who I wouldn't be able to tolerate, running), I'm not physically that attractive (I consider myself to be a couple of steps up from Anne Widdecombe and Susan Boyle however) and I probably come across as a mixture of arrogant, snobbish and rude to a lot of people. I don't generally like people getting too close to me for a myriad of reasons: me getting hurt, me hurting people I care about etc etc.

Sometimes it seems that the message just doesn't get across so I have to give it a bit of a helping hand:

From: -twat's name protected by my benevolence-
Subject: Hi Sent Date: 12/5/2010 8:59:17 PM

Hi..Really impressed with your profile and wanna know more abt you.
I am working in Norwich and interested to have a relationship with you. I am a a cool guy who loves making friends,going for zym and swimming,roaming around city and looking for a relationship..
Have a great time..
Finally forgive me if any grammer/spelling mistakes in my language..

To: -twat's name protected by my benevolence-
Subject: RE:Hi Sent Date: 12/6/2010 8:15:32 PM

No offence, but I think I would rather shove my hand in a meat

From: -twat's name protected by my benevolence-
Subject: RE:RE:Hi Sent Date: 12/6/2010 9:44:18 PM

Original Message YOU sent on 12/6/2010 12:15:32 PM
No offence, but I think I would rather shove my hand in a meat

Hmm. You are too genious to talk. I am not that good in english but i hope my message reaches you. However wanna be your mate if you are fine with me.
Have a great time.

From: -twat's name protected by my benevolence-
Subject: RE:RE:Hi Sent Date: 12/6/2010 9:52:56 PM

Original Message YOU sent on 12/6/2010 12:15:32 PM
No offence, but I think I would rather shove my hand in a meat

also Frankly speaking i am new to these type of sites. but you are the only one who kept many lines about you. its too good to read and decided that you are too genious :) .. I am not flattering you.
Have a great time.

To: -twat's name protected by my benevolence-
Subject: RE:RE:RE:Hi Sent Date: 12/6/2010 10:59:36 PM

I'm sure I am "too genious". Certainly "too genious" to want to
read your poorly written crap. No, I don't want to even be
friends as I have had less ham-handed attempts at getting into my
knickers whilst drunk and out clubbing. They get turned down too.
People like you I ridicule.

Here's some tips on how not to fail:

1. Learn proper English and how to apply it.
2. Don't assume that a woman will instantly want to go out with
you just because she's got more braincells than a dried pea or is
more attractive than roadkill.

Alternatively you could:
3. Buy a mail-order bride from a website who won't care about any
of your shortcomings.

Please don't message me again.

I don't think this counts as an offer so much as an atrocity...