Thursday, 26 August 2010

You Can Look But You Can't Touch, I Don't Think I Like You Much

I feel like having a moan today (and not the sexual sort) as I've come to the conclusion that I'm a rather grumpy bitch of late. I guess I've had more than my fair share of reasons to be so but here's a short run down of things that are annoying me at the moment:

- People who seem to think I work in places when I don't
Prime example of this today at the library. A guy sits next to me, sees I'm busy typing something (ok, so I was only chatting with someone on Facebook at the time but I COULD have been doing something important!) and then proceeds to ask "Excuse me but could you show me how to use the computer?" Well you know what? I could... But I don't want to, nor am I paid to do so but the staff who are sitting at the desk behind you ARE. It's not the first time it's happened. I've had similar things happen in Game (well I did USED to work there...), Silverscreen (I was working for another store at the time...), Waterstones (again, past job...) and HMV (I've worked in entertainment retail so I guess that explains that one). Strangest one was in a branch of Carphone Warehouse. Strange because I don't know that much about phones and I believe at the time I was talking about laptops.

- People who spam their Facebook news feeds with crap
I really don't care what's happening on your virtual farm. Your virtual cafe could burn down for all I care and no, I won't work in your fucking hotel even if you paid me actual money. Besides all the apps, you then have people who find it amusing to update their status every five seconds about what number cup of tea they're on, asking what colour they should paint their nails today and the all to common phrase "I'm bored". Guess what? No one really cares. If you want to talk about pointless garbage that has no purpose, get a blog and contain it all to there. Or, use that "Note" function on Facebook. The other main bugbear of mine is people who make multiple wall posts on the same person's wall. There's a comment feature for having conversations. Making more than one wall post merely clogs up other people's news feeds who might not want to see your gibberish or flirting. Hi, that's where the message function comes in which you can send to more than one person! Yes, I know there's the "delete" button, but my phone doesn't let me delete posts from my news feed and Facebook only seems to want me to mark all the person's messages as spam or delete them as a friend. Seems a bit extreme after one day of it (which admittedly was REALLY fucking annoying when I wanted to see what was going on with other people and having to wade through 5 pages on my phone of wall posts from an individual) but it's something I'll bear in mind if it continues.

- The Jobcentre
For the past 6 weeks they have lost every single postal decleration that I've sent them. This has resulted in me being royally shafted for money on several occasions. I started phoning them Tuesday morning (the day I should have been paid), called all through Tuesday and Wednesday to be told that I would receive the money on Friday which is a full 3 days after when I should have received it because of THEIR mistake. Once was bad enough, twice was taking the piss. This being the third time, I was pretty much incandescent with rage on the phone which I made sure I told the people I was speaking to that it was nothing to do with them, simply me being angry and frustrated at the people who aren't on the phones but meant to be dealing with people's claims but blatently aren't. Do you people not understand that I WANT to work? I don't LIKE claiming benefits, I want a full time job again. I'm not prepared to take on 4 different jobs a week of 8 hour shifts in order to get the hours that I need though. I've told you the career path I want to take, surely you should be helping me get there? Also, TNG are a useless waste of space. I've just done a 12 week course to improve jobseeking skills as well as personal deevlopment. Why the hell do I need to do more? It's not going to change anything. I like my CV the way it is now, thank you please. Go ahead and say that my attitude won't get me a job. I don't see the point of constantly changing my CV when the basic information is staying the same. What are you going to do? Hold a gun to an employer's head and tell them to take me on? Feel free to do so as it'd be miles better than having to deal with you twats.

- People in Public
Including but not limited to:
- Kids that scream on buses
- Kids that scream in the street
- Kids that scream in shops
- Kids that scream in the Post Office
- Parents that do jack shit about the above 4 points
- Parents that allow their kids to disrupt other people (like the ones that run into my fags, kick the back of my seat on the bus, climb over me while I'm sat waiting for something, throw their toys into the road hitting cars... the list goes on)
- People that sit too close to me on the bus. You know, their legs touch yours and it's just... ew. It makes me cringe and want to climb out of the window.
- People that don't believe that a young person can be disabled. Yeah, I've seen the looks they give me when I sit at the front of the bus. I don't care; I have a bad back and dodgy knees. Age does not dictate physical disability.
- People who have no manners. I held the door of Chapelfield Mall open today as I have manners and went to let someone through before I walked through myself. You know, because I was brought up to be polite and courteous etc. I waited for 12, yes TWELVE people to walk through before I could get through the door. Again, not the first time it's happened but I'm sick of it. Thing is, I can't stop myself being polite. It's automatic. I simply can't just slam the door in someone's face or not let them through before myself. I've tried and it just doesn't work.

I'm going to stop there lest the swear filter at the Forum has another fit at me ¬_¬

Tuesday, 10 August 2010

I Wanna Let Go Of The Pain I've Felt So Long... Erase All The Pain Til It's Gone

Well, I've had another phone call this evening and I feel more relaxed than before. Some things still niggle at me but I'm hoping they're just basic insecurities which will fade. We've at least agreed on the whole fact that there'll be a kinda deadline on deciding. As my final presentation is on the 19th and I want him to be there, we've kinda come to the conclusion that it'd be best for me to know by then. I mean, that way I'll know how to act on the day and hopefully save me embarrassment. Soooo... it's a simple matter of waiting to see what's going to happen. Which has me holding my breath but... I feel it'll be worth it. I mean... I love him. I know that. I'm prepared to wait for the right decision. I don't mean by that him taking me back (although I'd like to think that'd be pretty awesome and would be for the best).

So yeah, short but sweet post to say that I'm finally feeling a bit better. Still nervous and scared but... hopeful. Which is the first time I have been in ages.

Tuesday, 3 August 2010

They Got Me On Some Medication...

After a visit to the doctors today (where I was told by the lady doing my first ever cervical smear test that my cervix is apparently very easy to find!), I had my prescription changed. I first brought up a month or so ago that I wasn't happy with how Seroquel was making me more aggressive and violent. I had the same problem towards the end of taking Mirtazapine. So... they gave me Risperidone. And me being me, I wanted to do some research into what exactly these pills will be doing to me.

So far I have found out:

In 2003 the FDA approved risperidone for the short-term treatment of the mixed and manic states associated with bipolar disorder. In 2006 the FDA approved risperidone for the treatment of irritability in children and adolescents with autism. The FDA's decision was based in part on a study of autistic children with severe and enduring problems of violent meltdowns, aggression, and self-injury; risperidone is not recommended for autistic children with mild aggression and explosive behavior without an enduring pattern. Like other atypical antipsychotics, risperidone has also been used off-label for the treatment of anxiety disorders, such as obsessive-compulsive disorder; severe, treatment-resistant depression with or without psychotic features; tourette syndrome; disruptive behavior disorders in children; and eating disorders, among others. In two small studies risperidone was reported to successfully treat the symptoms of phencyclidine (PCP) psychosis due to acute intoxication and chronic use.

Sooooooo... hopefully this will counteract how Seroquel was making me feel and lower my irritability. Not that I have autism/Aspergers of course, but if it has that effect, it might do something for my borderline? Treating my manic states is something that's needed attending to. Oh, and then I got onto the side effects:

Risperidone has been associated with weight gain. Other common side effects include akathisia, sedation, dysphoria, insomnia, sexual dysfunction, low blood pressure, high blood pressure, muscle stiffness, muscle pain, tremors, increased salivation, constipation, and stuffy nose.

Many antipsychotics are known to cause hyperprolactinemia which may lead to hypogonadism-induced osteoporosis, galactorrhoea, gynaecomastia, irregular menstruation and sexual dysfunction. However, risperidone is known to increase prolactin to a greater extent than other atypical antipsychotics. Although lactation is possible in both sexes using other antipsychotic drugs, risperidone is the biggest offender. There is a higher association between pituitary neoplasms with use of risperidone and amisulpride than with other antipsychotic agents. It is thought that once risperidone raises prolactin, it may cause prolactinoma, a benign tumor of the pituitary gland. Tumors, in general, are not considered reversible. Medical therapy may help reduce tumor size and restore normal reproduction and pituitary function, however, dopamine agonists are not likely to be prescribed to antipsychotic users, thus, surgery or radiation treatment may be required. This condition may recur if the patient is switched to a different antipsychotic. Risperidone has been known to cause increased thoughts of suicide.

I find it quite worrying that a drug that can increase thoughts of suicide is used to try and combat depression... Surely that's like... completely illogical? Irregular menstruation won't be a problem as I switched onto cerazette today. I decided I might as well go for the "cheap" option of no periods at all so then I won't stress about not having them, won't have to buy tampons... All should be well. AND THEY AREN'T AFFECTED BY ANTIBIFUCKINGOTICS! :D So yeah, there is NO chance of me getting pregnant again by pills making my pills less effective. FUCK YEAH!

Anyway... I'm going to give these new meds a month, see how they are. Admittedly I didn't find that Seroquel made me aggressive right away. Thing is, with the other "mood irritant" that I discovered, I won't be as exposed to that from now on as I've realised it's not doing me any good. Part of me wonders if changing from Seroquel was really necessary, but the fact is that I was noticing the behaviour before that irritant became so severe. Ooh, and also in my Wiki rovings, I found that apparently cannabis is effective as an antipsychotic! Well, in treating schizophrenia but still... It kinda works for me too...

Ooh, and I discovered that the Prince's Trust would be able to let me do a course called "Youth Steps" which would give me a qualification in working with young people, which as most people know by now, is what I want to do. So yay! It actually involves two residentials (and HOPEFULLY I won't injure myself on either of them :P) and a load of other stuff which I have on a piece of paper in my bag. The next course starts in November so that gives me a couple of months to do some voluntary work and so forth. I have to say, I really like the fact that I'm getting back into education. Admittedly right now it's low level stuff, but I guess a low level quallification in youth work is better than NO qualification at all. Of course it'll get to the point where I have 30 GCSE equivalents... On the other hand, I might find out that I have a paid job and will start my OU course for my Social Work degree. A lot can change and I'm certainly no stranger to THAT fact.

In other news, I kinda blew my lid a bit today at Starbuck over the whole feeling... well... like she tries to take charge of everything on team. Ok, I KNOW I can manage a team. I've done it in the past in the work environment. Hell, even now I'm chair of Project 18. I've basically felt for the past few weeks like I can't put myself forward for a leadership type role as she constantly jumps in and claims that she'll do it best. Well, claims she'll do it right. While I can't argue and say that she's always wrong, there's a lot that she doesn't know, hasn't experienced and yes, sometimes she WILL get things wrong. I've now got to the point where I'm sick of taking a backseat and I think other people are pushing for me to take a more leadership type role. I've always been someone who doesn't like putting themselves forwards, but with her personality being quite domineering, I've felt even less inclined. Part of me wanted to take a backseat in any case because I've previously had leadership roles and let other people come to the fore. However, Starbuck has seen this as an opportunity to try to take charge of everything. I can understand her getting frustrated with other team members. We all do it. I'm no angel in that department either, BUT I know I've improved over the weeks. So, today I kinda gave her a few home truths about it and said that I felt as though I've had to take a backseat and bite my lip for most of Team. She almost stormed out of the team room and drove home. I felt slightly bad about that but at the same time, she needs to learn that she's NOT always right and that people WILL give her criticism. I tried not to sound too bitchy at the time and make it constructive, but I don't think she really noticed that. When Stu asked us to shut up, I did. She kept going. So I then chipped in with "Stuart told us to shut up and you're still fucking arguing. Give it a rest" or something along those lines. That was when she got into a strop. Feels good to vent that actually.

As for things with bloke... We spoke for 3 hours on the phone last night and we seem to have come to the point where he feels his head will be in the right state to deal with thinking things over. As I said to him, I can totally understand why he made the decision he did on Sunday night with the facts he had at the time. I most likely would have done the same thing in his position. However, a lot of new information has been uncovered since then and I think he understood my whole "don't bother with finding out why, let's just deal with what is" mentality.

Monday, 2 August 2010

Bigmouth Strikes Again, And I've Got No Right To Take My Place In The Human Race

Ho'kay... the forum doesn't like my draft of my last entry so I guess it's starting from scratch...

Basically, the last week and a bit has been hell for me. Not only have I been on an almost constant manic, but I've also ended up making some stupid decisions as a result that I wouldn't have made had the circumstances been different.

Item 1 - Thought I was pregnant, had a test, was negative, had the same symptoms, started lactacting, freaked out. Told Inigo, someone had words with him that were along the lines of "man up and take responsibility". Things were awkward.

Item 2 - Being on a manic anyway, pregnancy worries made this worse, brought on by the fact that being around a certain person has made it worse.

Item 3 - Not knowing the full story to something involving the other weekend and making snap decisions and judgements that I otherwise would not have done.

So... With all this shit going on, I overreacted about something and said some... awful things. And broke up with him. He then found out the next day from his friend Rob, which was NOT my intention as I thought I'd worded it suffciently in the text. Whenever I've broken up with someone before, I've not done it via text. That alone shows that my state of mind was fucked up.

The day after he explained what was going on from his end, it all made sense to me and I wasn't pissed off in the slightest at all. But to cut a long story short, he then felt that he couldn't deal with being with me because of how quickly the mood came on. I have to say that he didn't actually see that I'd been on a manic from about the Thursday (the texting and me splitting up with him came on the Friday). On Sunday we seemed to be doing ok and that was when he said that he couldn't deal with my moods. I was... a mess. I ran out of the house as I was having a panic attack and I didn't want him to see. Which looked REEEEEEEEEALLY good ¬_¬

Anyhew, after 2 hours sleep that night, I wake up at 6am crying. Over the next couple of days I find out that someone has lied to me about pills which caused me to fall pregnant and that the baby would have severe brain and nerve damage, therefore I'd have had to have an abortion regardless. I also start analysing various other things and am told that this same person was jealous of what Inigo and I had from the very start as their own relationship was going tits up at the time.

So... On last Thurs night, I asked him to call me and explained in full what had been going on. Asked him to think things over now there's new evidence and come to a decision based on that rather than what there was around by Sunday night. He's agreed but obviously I will still have to deal with whatever his decision finally is. He said he wanted to find out exactly why this person has done what they have, but my philosophy is this:

The question I've asked most in my life is "Why?" Recent events have taught me that even though I want to know, sometimes I never will and the most important thing is to deal with the matters in hand. If you're meant to find out why, you will at some point.

I personally feel that from the amount of effort we put into talking about how I was going to cope with things, the good times we had, the fact that he's been an AMAZING support to me as I've been learning what I have and how to deal with it, on top of the enormous amount of good we do for each other.. to throw all that away when it wasn't even either of our faults to begin with... would be a huge waste. Finding out why this person has done what they have... it probably won't ever happen. Hell, getting them to admit to it probably won't happen with how they are. I'm not going to concern myself, stress anymore or try to figure out this person. I'm done with trying. It's not worth any more of my time and/or energy.

Thrusday night I started spotting. Friday it was more severe bleeding. Saturday I was getting huge cramps and literally gushing blood and... stuff. I knew I was miscarrying. I didn't want to tell him as he was at Sonisphere and I will shortly (as in within the next 20 mins or so) be speaking to him on the phone so I can tell him. It wasn't something I really wanted to put into a text. With grave/important things, I prefer to do the talking face to face or at the very least, talk on the phone. With what I was telling him during the week about what had led to Friday night, I texted because I had no idea how he was, if he was missing me (although I hoped he was, awful as that sounds) and how he'd react to talking to me. By Saturday evening, my manic had broken (my cold/flu bug thing hadn't, however) and I was... numb. Not depressed, just... numb.

Of course I was upset to miscarry. Part of me expected it after how much Seroquel I've shoved down my throat since April. Part of me was relieved. Part of me was sad. It's easier to deal with than what an abortion would have been, but it doesn't mean that I feel nothing. I cried for a while, then set my sights on trying to sort everything else out. It was something that wasn't at the right time and as sad as it was to happen, it's also saved me a horrible choice.

So where do I go from here? Trying to pick up the pieces. I've got Prince's Trust to finish of course. Project 18 to work on. I've had a couple of people hit on me this past week and I've reacted with a "muh" reaction. If I loved or cared for Inigo less than what I do, I'd have been straight under a new guy. I'm not because I love him. Because I feel cheated out of what we had. Sure it wasn't perfect, but we were both learning so much. Yeah, it was tough at times but being with him has been the best treatment for my borderline. I'm fighting to change because I don't want to hurt him. I know who I can be and he's helped me to get closer to being that person again. I've often said that I feel like I'm 16 again when I'm with him. As much as it pains me, Cheryl Cole was right:

Anything that´s worth having
Is sure enough worth fighting for
Quitings out of the question
When it gets tough gotta fight some more
We gotta fight fight fight fight fight for this love
We gotta fight fight fight fight fight for this love
We gotta fight fight fight fight fight for this love
Its worth having its worth fighting for

Ew, I spewed a bit in my mouth after copypastaing that. It's cliché, but it's true at the same time. I honestly believe we ARE worth fighting for. But of course, if it's not what he wants, I have to accept that. Not sure how I could do that and stay friends with him (it'd take a loooooooooooooong while for me to be comfortable with talking to him again), but I'd find a way eventually. I seriously feel that things have been very unfair (but that's life quite often) and out of either of our control. The chances of such a cumulation of events isn't going to happen again. Sure, similar things may happen but this was an epic shitstorm along the lines of 9/11 in terms of crap. As time goes on, my (and his) understanding of my BPD will get better. My dealing with BPD will become better. Hell, my BPD will become better full stop. It's not that I need him as an incentive, but he DOES accelerate things. When he's in Cambridge, he'll have the somewhat easier role of not being there constantly while I'm still going through the comprehension phase. I'll have other people to lean on for those. He'll get to see the me that won't be as stressed. That'll be over the moon to see him. That will still love him, no matter what the distance.

It's been about a week since we split up. My feelings have usually waned somewhat over this time. They haven't. That to me says a lot.