Thursday, 27 May 2010

Yours Is The Fire That Gets In My Head, Mine Is Desire, So Let It Burn Down Your Bed

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about the direction in which my life is heading.

I have great friends (possibly better than I deserve, although at times I get frustrated at the lack of interaction from some), an amazing boyfriend and a great opportunity to really make something out of the ashes.

Some days I find things absolutely shit to cope with; generally just after counselling on a Friday, which is why I like to keep my Friday nights busy so I don't get too down. In general, I'm coping better than I was.

My plan for this year is to get onto the aceess course this September and start my degree next September. Why do I want to go into social work? Because I'm insane. No seriously, I feel I have the empathy but the distancing to do the job well. I know the sort of shit that a lot of those people have gone through, but I'm also a great problem solver and don't sugar coat things. I start a Prince's Trust course on the 1st June for 12 weeks where I'll be getting stupid qualifications like a Level 2 in Literacy and Numeracy (as if I need one with all my GCSEs... srsly) and some more useful ones like a new Basic Food Hygeine Certificate. But yeah, all in all, it's a good thing.

As for things with my friends... Well, some are awesome, some not so awesome, some are just shit. For the ones who ARE decent... Thanks. You guys have really helped me out lately and I thank you for your patience with my various neuroses.

Regarding my boyfriend... Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell, in the 3 months we've been together (which seems much MUCH longer) we've kinda been through quite a bit. The struggle for my diagnosis almost tore us apart but I'd like to think that we both weathered it pretty well and have become closer as a result. I'm not usually great at being compltely honest with someone about how I feel and it's even worse when some days I can't even find the words to explain it. Inigo is amazingly patient with me and I'm thankful for every day that he stays in my life. If he's got an ulterior motive, I've not found it yet. This pleases me. I honestly can't think of anyone that suits me better. He ignores me putting myself down and the little things he does that make me happy... well, they cheer me up no end. Even if it's something like just bringing me round a chocolate bar or making me smile with his sick sense of humour which is shockingly like mine. There's nothing we can't and don't talk about and for once, it doesn't unsettle me. He makes an effort to understand how I feel and does a pretty damn good job at predicting what's going on in my head. My only worry at the moment is that with his possible move to Cambridge next year, we might well end up going our seperate ways. I know I can do distance and in all honesty, I should be so busy with my course that I'll find it easier to cope as I'll have a full time distraction. I'm especially liking how he's been including me in his socialising. And a certain text the other night that made me smile.

At the moment my meds are really working for me. Some of my counselling with Simon is really intense which is why I felt I needed that buffer to help me cope with every day crap and balance things a bit. Some of the stuff I deal with is pretty intense and dragging up the past is... very often painful. I know that I can conquer my demons and move on. The problem is that with my therapy, sometimes discussing one thing will make me start to make connections to others or remember other things that I'd blacked out. I made the mistake this evening of having a read over my Livejournal. I'd delete the damn thing but I want it as a kinda... well, relic I guess. So I can look back and see how damaged I was and how far I've come since. I know from the progress I made in the refuge that I've come a damn long way already. Inigo claims that I've already come really far in the time we've been together. I think he maybe doesn't quite realise how much of that has been his influence. I'm not saying it was ALL him, but he did put in a fair bit of work, whether he realised it or not. If he reads this, I think he might :P At the very least someone will point it out to him. Now I've had a couple of problems resolved, I've been much calmer the past couple of days.

So yayness is in the air ^_^