Saturday, 28 November 2009

We Do What We Must, Because We Can. For The Good Of All Of Us. Expect The Ones Who Are Dead.

I've been talking a lot about the gaming industry lately but as with most of my greatly enlightened theories and ideas, few are making it to me blog lately.

My first recentish thought about it was along the lines of the general ignorance of the public with regards to what the industry stands for. So many people assume that gaming is still very much an activity for kids or those with more childish mindsets and maturity. Truth is, while there are a lot of games aimed at the younger market, there's plenty for older demographics. I'd love to see a three year old deal with the complexities of Football Manager. While the game has a low age rating, it doesn't mean that someone that age will be able to comprehend the game mechanics. It's rare for kids to even be able to complete something like a film licenced game (Shark Tale/Madagascar/Shrek etc). The truth of the matter is that few young kids have either the mental capacity, attention span or hand-eye co-ordination to really sit down and complete games.

I see the main problem as people not really understanding how game classification works. So many consider age ratings to be difficulty ratings. Fact is, game ratings are moe akin to film classifications. Problem lies with peple being used to seeing BBFC rtings on films whereas games not only have BBFC ratings but also PEGI and ELSPA. While these ratings look different visibly, they are essentially the same thing. I know during my employment of selling licenced products that the punishment for selling a PEGI classified game to a minor was the same as selling a BBFC rated game, despite the latter being the only legally recognised classification at the time. Changes to legislation this year now mean that PEGI ratings are legally recognised. The true question is how the public will react to this change and whether they will actually pay attention to this change in the law. My personal opinion is that they will stay as ignorant as ever.

There is a great deal of passing the buck going on with people commonly assuming that children get their hands on "inappropriate" games due to the sellers being focused on profits rather than checking the age of the buyer. GTA is a prime example of this. I came across an article in Take A Break last month regarding their 'war' against the companies that are corrupting the youth of today. Thing is, Rockstar don't MAKE 18+ games for kids. The responsibility for who plays them lies with the consumer, which is THE PARENTS. Most parents will buy their kids anything they want without considering what they're actually buying or doing any product research before they part with their cash or say yes. Even when I've tried to inform them, most of the time they didn't care. One woman with a 5 year old wanted to buy GTA:San Andreas for her kid. As she initially sent the kid up to the counter with the money, I naturally refused the sale. She came over herself and asked why I refused the sale. I pointed out that the game was an 18 rating and I didn't want to lose my job by selling to a minor. I went into detail about the content of the game, explaining there's extreme violence, drug references, explicit sex scenes... Despite all this, she still felt that this game was fine for her five year old.

I'll be honest, I fucking love San Andreas and believe it's a gaming masterpiece although not as classic as Vice City (which never gets old because of the 80s soundtrack as you're mowing down hundreds of Cubans), so I can't completely judge her for wanting to buy a game that got rave reviews, but buying it for a five year old?! I REALLY don't see that as a smart parenting move. Although Croydon is full of pimps and hos and the game would have been a valuable tool for preparing life skills, there's somethings that a five year old doesn't need to see, such as a tall black guy in a pimp suit beating up old ladies with a giant purple dildo. Mind you... could happen in Croydon...

So yeah, my point is that parents rarely restrict their kids with what they want or actually pay attention to what they're interested in. The fault lies with the parents and they simply want to pass on responsibility to anyone other than themselves.

I worked during one of the biggest gaming related incidents; the Manhunt killing. It was amazing how the media was so quick to point the finger at the retailers for being irresponsible in selling to underage kids. As I recall, the boy in question had had the game bought for him. Fact is, when you know you could lose your job, go to prison as well as getting a hefty £5k fine, you tend to value your job as more important than giving in to a stroppy kid or selling to someone who doesn't quite look old enough. Few people would want to go to prision as a result of retail, unless it involves blowing the place up and taking as many people with you as possible. Sometimes I'm honestly shocked that this hasn't happened. In any case, as a counter jockey you perceive your job as more important than an acned thirteen year old's desire to asphyxiate some butch guy with a sandwich bag.

When the fault lies with the irresponsible parents of a child's friend, it's again easier to point the finger at the nameless people behind the counter than to believe that someone you know is at fault. What Take A Break readers and general populace forget is that today's adult gamers are by no means kids trying to stay young. At the current age of 24, I can proudly state that I've been gaming for 18 years, starting at the age of 6 with my Mega Drive. I know quite a few people my age who are of the same frame of mind. Some may have been consistent gamers, sme may have started up again after a break of many years, some may have been introduced through a gaming friend. Fact is that games are getting to be just as popular as DVDs with certain age groups for entertainment. The female market is quite difficult to break into as even if a virtual shopping game came out, I doubt the majority of females could be persuaded to swap their compacts for controllers.

Gaming for some females will forever be seen on the same terms as say, football. Few woment have a genuine and prolonged interest in football. Even those who claim the opposite have any in depth knowledge. Again, there are some exceptions. Female gamers are the same. They generally assume that FIFA or any largely promoted game is good. This sadly includes most of EA's repertoire. A true female gamer will know her genres, accurately name titles that fall into these, give at least ten full names of game protagonists (not including Sonic and Mario), will have owned more than three consoles in her life and will be able to accurately give synopses of at least 5 games as well as identifying the difference between a developer and a publisher. But again, there's the of too familiar female desire to impress by feigning interest to curry favour. This is why Topshop mannequin tarts will deign to turn up at a football stadium if you happen to mention that you're a supporter and they want to bang you enough. I've personally never understood it.

Female gamers are often perceived as 'cool girls' who play things like Dancing Stage or other games deemed 'suitable' for women to play. For me, the real proof of a true female gamer is experience of multiple genres. I've played MMORPGs, FPSes, TPSes, Strategy, Sports sim, Driving, RPGs, Survival Horrors and Beat Em Ups. The Sims is fun while you mock torture your work colleagues or the guy who eyes you up at the bus stop every morning, but other than sadistic reasons, there's very little to keep you going in terms of actual gameplay. You get to a point where you realise that you could have actually have DONE this stuff in real life and achieved something. There's only so long you can spend virtually cleaning before you realise there's a mounting pile of it in the sink that actually needs dealing with. There's very little realistic correlation between The Sims and real life. Correct me when the Economic Recession and Political Revolution expansions come out.

With so few knoeldgeable females around, the general ignorance of the gaming industry will carry on, meaning that the gaming industry is stuck with it's current image until through enough generations, enough females are clued up enough about games, or until a game is brought out to appeal to enough females to mean that they take an interest in 'proper' games.

In all fairness, there are the games. While the Buffy games were pretty poor mechanically, it was still something that could have been really appealing to the female market. The same could be said of the Charlie's Angels game, Bloodrayne or pretty much any film licence that appealed to the female market.

While films have been around for so many years, games are relatively new in a widespread way. Certain recent trends that involve popularity spikes in gaming include Space Invaders, Sonic, Dancing Stage and the Wii.

A lot of peple slate the Wii off and I'm usually somewhere near the head of the queue to do so, but I will concede that it has done a large part in encouraging casual gamers. I personally detest casual gamers, although admittedly they can be educated and converted much easily than a complete non-gamer. They at least own a console which is half the battle won. Where I usually go from here is suggesting a variety of games that correspond to their other hobby choices and film likes, then judge from there what would suit them the most. In time they can be introduced to retro greats such as Perfect Dark, Goldeneye or Final Fantasy VII, and in time their attitudes change. Sadly this method takes a lot of time and effort, which means that a more effcient way needs to be found.

The future of gaming, I assume, will be pretty secure. People are more responsive to multimedia entertainment now. With the increase in internet useage, there is also an increase in the amount of people accessing one source for multiple services. The PS3 is an excellent example of one box to play music, view photos, browse the internet, chat and socialise, shop, watch films, watch TV shows AND play games. The only things lacking are intergration with other services such as MSN (Xbox 360 does this already), Facebook (could be done through browser), Skype, ability to take and edit pictures/record and edit videos, receive live TV/radio. Microsoft seem to be taking quite a few steps in those directions already.

It's my honest opinion that with enough of this sort of integration, viewpoints will relax to the point where gaming is accepted as a mainstream activity as much as watching films and listening to music. My only fear is where the game market will go as a result. There's a danger that games will become too simplistic (along the whole Wii Sports road) and alienate the loyal, veteran gamers at the expense of encouraging more casual gamers. Many people feel this is already the case with Nintendo and their almost constant promotion of the Wii as an electronic home gym. A lot of people have realised that the standard of the games has decreased a lot in the current generation, and I would say for the most part this is true. It's hard to not look at the pre-owned PS2 section in Game without a somewhat misty-eyed gaze.

The current console generation still has plenty of life left in it yet and I'm fully expecting some good to come out of it, providing the companies don't lose sight of the people who bought their consoles and games, putting them where they are now.

Monday, 23 November 2009

Death Defying Breeze Is Just What I Need, Ease This Passing Blood, Pressure In My Ears

Hmmkay... Been writing a lot recently but it's more finding the time to type up and publish inbetween other stuff. Having said that, this weekend I was completely lazy and did little aside from laying in bed and reading. Felt good but... empty. I just miss being with people, doing things with them... ya know, normal stuff. It's part general frustration and trying to stop myself from falling down again as things are out of my control.

I did give Dartford a call today... absolutely no progress there other than they received my letter. So ya, as far as I'm concerned, I'm trying to get things sorted and they're being lazy arses about finishing up all the paperwork regarding my old tenancy. I gave Norwich City Council a call but only got through to a voicemail, asked them to give me a call back regarding my housing application so I know how far along things are there. Got a doctor's appointment tomorrow afternoon... Was going to try and fit Opticians in again but I think I shall leave that for a couple of days. Gah... I just wish things were moving faster...

More topical posting will hopefully follow tomorrow once I've got time enough to sit down and type. Been working on it since Thursday night so yeah -_-

Monday, 16 November 2009

I Love You, And No One Can Take That Away (Still Crying), To Prove To You, This Isn't Just An Obsession

I've tried to think of a few ways to start this entry and I'm just kinda o_o everytime.

I've had a few people ask me how I am. Truth is, I really don't know right now.

On the one hand, I found out that the "job" I'd got was really a scam. A "company" that never actually employs you and pays no basic rate, most ofthe job is door to door knocking. After discussing it with Sean (guy who's staying in the room next to mine), Richard and a couple of Jobcentre Staff, I decided it really wasn't something I wanted to be involved with. I have a sneaking suspiscion that the company in question will be investigated as well. So yeah... after my the whole day interview and first day on the job, I admitted defeat and went back to trawling through what the Jobcentre has to offer. In all fairness, there was nothing stated in the job advert for the other thing that it was self-employed OR that you wouldn't even be on a basic wage. Plus a company that claims you can be earning 6 figures inside a year? Really? The more I thought about it, the more ridiculous it sounded. Plus the fact that I had to pay for my own damn travel and ended up skint as a result so I couldn't even have gone in anyway. Yeah... complete waste of time and money.

So what have I done with my time since? Well, spent most of it with Richard in various ways. Going to see Christmas lights switched on, getting my face painted like a cat, getting stoned, playing Burnout, watching films...

I'm actually hoping he skims over this entry cuz... it's about to get a bit... -sigh- I just need to get this all out.

Things just feel weird between him and I. I know he needs his own time, I'm cool with that. But the time we do spend together just feels strange. I wonder why I'm still making an effort. I love him to bits, don't get me wrong. I just keep getting these damn neurotic moments about why he's spending time with me, what he wants from all this...

I guess at the end of the day all I want is to be loved and wanted. I had that with him, I kinda ended up pissing on it all with stupid shit that I did. It just seems now that anything I try and do, any affection I show... it's just pushed aside. It hurts like damn but I'd rather spend that sort of time with him than none at all. Yes, I realise how stupid and sadistic that is. I love spending time with him but I just... wish things weren't so awkward. I want to ask him so many things that I just feel that I can't because we're technically not together anymore but they still weigh on my mind. I know how he reacted when I mentioned him replacing me... I guess that's still my fear. As well as working to change things for myself, part of my motivation is to change things for him too. I don't want him to stop being part of my life. I know he makes a lot of jokes and I should n't take them to heart but.. it's hard not to at the moment. They were easier to take when we were a couple as I had a better idea that they were said in jest. Now it's just... well, let's take for example how when I wake up at his, he makes a "joking" comment about me leaving right away. First time I could laugh it off. After the 5th, it's not funny anymore. It really starts to give me a complex. If he wants to say something, just fucking say it. I've had enough of people messing me around.

Something he said the other weekend was about him not saying he loved me. I don't know what his reasons were. I'm kinda confused on that whole situation altogether. All I really remember was we were outside Earlham Park and he said "I could say I love you right now and mean it" then something then "Are you sure you can manage me not saying it?". I just wish I had better memories of that night or that I had the balls to actually talk to him in person about this sort of shit because it seems whenever I try to, he just says he's not in the mood to talk about anything heavy or that it'll only turn into an argument so he doesn't want to talk about it. I'm sure everything's (mostly) ok in HIS head because he knows how I feel, where he stands with me (mostly at least) but I know NOTHING apart from the fact that he misses spending time with me and doesn't complain about me fucking him. I mean... I just don't know what to think about it all. I can't just make all the feelings go away cuz... I love him. I want him to stay in my life so I have to deal with this shit. I just don't know how. I want to sit down and talk about it all. Get it out in the open and sorted out in my head. I'm just too scared to bring it up with him incase it starts another argument or makes him less enamoured with the idea of seeing me.

But yeah... I've got my own stuff pretty much in order with regards to housing. Just waiting to hear back from places. Dartford has to respond to my appeal first, which is what I'm chasing up tomorrow afternoon. Got an interesting day planned out:

Morning - Meeting with Stonham, print off CVs, distribute accordingly, try to book appointments at agencies
Afternoon- Chase up Dartford Council ready for appointment with Shelter on Thursday, go shopping (nid foods etc), hopefully pass out so I don't have to put up with insufferable people where I live (although Saturday night's fight in the stairwell amused me).

So yeah, fun packed day as you can see... I'm just glad it's contructive stuff.

Monday, 9 November 2009

Cuz Sometimes You Feel It, Ya Know How It Is. Wake Up In The Morning and Everything Fits

Soooo.... my weekend was... nice ^_^

Saturday involved much lulz, alcohol, weed and explosions, although thankfully my temper wasn't involved in that. Mind you, it was a really nice day and I was in no mood at all to get involved in anything deep/argumentative.

(in a side note, I love the Sesame Street Google headers... Yes, I'm still clinging desperately onto my childhood; sue me).


Saturday was a really nice day. I had an awesome time (and can remember most of it quite lucidly before anyone even TRIES to claim otherwise!) and yuh.. Prancing around the park while swigging back cider, involved bacon and pretty much all the elements that make up an awesome night. It's getting used to not snuggling as much that I'm finding hard to adjust to. I so need to get a cat...

Sunday I slept in (kinda) for the first time in ages. Aside from the usual waking every couple of hours and wondering where I am, who I am and what year it is followed by the need to piss, I managed to stretch my sleeping out until about 1pmish when I decided that I really should move or at the very least become more "awake". I eventually settled on laying in bed reading for a while until the urge to drink tea took me over and I ventured downstairs.

It wouldn't have been so bad chatting away to Shaun (the guy in the room next to mine who seems to be the only other 'sane' person in the place) had we not had the weird guy downstairs come into the lounge and... well... be weird for the next 9 hours. He's a very repetitive person and that's a minor niggle of mine. His obsession with The Beatles and horoscopes is also quite disturbing. Seems he's a reforming alcoholic and has a lot of issues. He also brought along a friend of his (as we're allowed visitors.. it's kinda like just staying in a shared flat really) who seemed really into trying to get Shaun and I into the church. We er... weren't too enthralled with this idea. Got out of it by making generally non-commital murmuring noises, nodding occassionally and feigning interest in the five channels the TV receives. Screen snow is oddly fascinating at times like this. So, after he left, we thought we were safe... Sadly not. The next few hours became a game of trying to find stuff on TV that would persuade him to leave the room (apparently anything with blood is a dead cert) so we could continue our conversation about how pornographic Disney animated films are and how The Wizard of Oz should really be re-classified as an 18. You know, normal stuff.

Eventually I gave up around 1am and dragged myself off to bed, passing out with The Green Mile on my head (the book, not the film).

Woke up and remembered that I had my interview today. It went... okish actually. I was a tad intimidated by the people who came out before I went in as they were all dressed up really smart and I... well, let's just say I don't own a suit and cobbled together something "presentable" out of my wardrobe. But yeah, guy interviewing me was an American and said if I was picked for a second interview, I'd hear back between half 5 and half 6 today so.. .waiting...

Friday, 6 November 2009

Stones Taught Me To Fly, Love Taught Me To Cry

Wewt, been another busy day today. Started off with this morning's assessment for housing support. Was kinda... draining really. I honestly don't like talking about all my crap for long periods of time. This has been the 4th day this week I've had to do so, resulting in tears. Yes, it's still painful. This is kinda why I want to do something totally unrelated tomorrow involving silliness and stuff. Plus considering there's going to be a huge fireworks display and I love pretty sparkly things, it's all good. This is actually my favourite time of year, being the weird pyro-freak that I am who loves burning and explosions. But that aside, I love the smell of autumn leaves, burning wood and of course the whole prettiness of big pretty sparklies in the sky. Uhm, back to my point...

After the assessment, I went back to mine, got changed and got a phone call... Another job interview on Monday! :D So yeah, I went off for the interview this afternoon in an excellent mood. I needed that lift after this morning just seeming so... much. I know I have to tell all these people my personal shiz, but it really doesn't make it easier. Probably because it's one thing to talk to my friends about it and COMPLETELY another to talk to strangers, even though they're trying to help me with my situation. So yeah, hearing I have another interview was all "OMG SO EVEN IF I DON'T GET THIS JOB, I STILL HAVE ANOTHER CHANCE!" It's actually quite an interesting job...

Yeah, marketing sounds like something you'd be stuck on the phones for, trying to sell stuff. This company sounds more... well, they come up with how things are advertised and marketed. Having worked in retail for so long, I'm pretty aware with what customers respond to. Ok, not going to get too ahead of myself and come out with what I'm going to say at the interview here! But yeah, it's a three part interview system. First is just so they can look at my CV and get an idea of what sort of person I am. Well, easier to just copypasta this:

Our Interview process is broken down into three stages. The first (preliminary) interview will last approximately 10 - 20 minutes. The goal of this interview is to meet candidates, introduce our business, and discuss the opening. We also evaluate candidates' communication skills, levels of confidence, and career goals.
A second, more thorough interview assessment day will take place, which involves the candidate observing the role first hand along with our evaluation of their work ethic, ability to multi-task and people skills. The final interview is where we will reach a final decision about the candidates computability and confirms terms.

I was kinda thrown by the call coming from London, but I was emailed all the details about where the Norwich office is. It doesn't seem as... probable as the job I went for today but... It'd be an interesting opporutnity if I DID get into it. The pay is... well:

Details regarding pay also vary depending on campaign, results, advancement and responsibility. On average , non-experienced new starts earn between £200- £400/week. As candidates advance and assume more responsibility you will continue to earn significantly more.

So like, a minimum of £800 per month?! Hell, I was on a good £100-200 less than that at Game! It's about equal to what I was on at Silverscreen though so... But yeah, I could really do with something like that. Ok, who couldn't but... COME ON! I've got the drive, the enthusiasm...

Anyways, this interview this afternoon.... Went pretty well I think. The guy interviewing me mentioned that most people he's interviewed have given one word answers so that's a good start :P I related my answers to both work stuff and other things I've gone through IRL. I was also totally honest about coming back into the area and looking to get back into working as I'm trying to restart my life (I guess that's the easiest way to put it). I tried to ask interesting questions regarding the position, THINK I succeeded. The overall vibe was good... better than at my Gamestation interview back in August. Plus you know, I have the advantage of not having been fired from House of Fraser or Fossil :P

Apparently if people don't hear anything back by Friday, they haven't got anything. Well... I'm quitely confident that I will but I'm not counting my chickens yet.

Sooooo... this evening will entail curling up with a book and hoping I can find SOMEONE to do SOMETHING with tomorrow. If I have to spend the day alone in my place, I'll probably go insane(r) and eat one of my own limbs.

Thursday, 5 November 2009

I Must Have Been Working The Ropes When My Hand Slipped From Yours

Mmmkay... I'll start with the stuff that people will really be interested in I guess.

Temporary housing is okish after I had it pointed out the crack on the window is on the outside, not the inside. As I'm 3 stories up, it matters little anyway. It's a roof... nothing amazing. Ok, more than a roof as it has a bed -rolls eyes- I know what I mean :P But yeah, I've not really spoken to the other "residents" but then, I've not had much chance to. First day I was in there, I was kinda busy with umpteen appointments at various places about housing and stuff.

So far I've got a the following coming up:

- Appointment at Shelter regarding that stupid housing benefit overpayment and sorting out the reasons for my tenancy ending (basically to get it changed to a DV aspect from simple non-payment of rent by me explaining that I would have returned to the property had Steve moved away) - 19th November

- Appointment with Leeways (refuge) support workers to get me some councelling for all the crap with my mother/Steve/Robbie etc. - 12th November

- Interview at the Jobcentre regarding my ADF (grant towards me getting back into work) - 10th November

- Interview with Stonham Housing support regarding various services I need due to all the stuff like DV, mental health, physical health etc. - tomorrow 10am.

Looks like a lot, but it's all kinda spread out. My main focus at the moment is sorting out the Dartford crap so the council here can get a better idea of what's going on and rehouse me faster.

Ke so, moving onto other stuff...

Yesterday was pretty ... well, awesome actually.

I'd recieved a message on Facebook that kinda left me a bit... well, perplexed. So I decided to talk to Richard to find out exactly what was going on with the situation. Ya know, learning to not assume anymore. At first he got all angry as he thought I was accusing him and kinda ignored me for a bit. I kinda badgered him into coming into the city as it was a nice day, would do him good to get out etc. Soooo... we met up outside the Forum. I explained what I was asking exactly. That I wasn't going to go all emo if it was true, but just that I wanted to know as it'd been mentioned to me by someone else and I wanted to know his side of things. Anyways, was explained and I have no reason to doubt any of it. So yeah, after that we wandered around chatting for a while and I mentioned going to the cinema. After the comments on what I was wearing (mostly stuff I picked up in Lewes) which were positive (apparently I looked really smart o_o), we pootled around HMV and the Mall. Grabbed something to eat and sat outside. Had a few pictures taken of me, went into Argos to sit on their sofas, fooled around a bit in there in front of everyone, wandered up to the cinema in the evening... Saw The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus (which was actually pretty damn good. I was iffy to begin with as I'd read some awful reviews of it, but all in all it was a good film. Mind you, Richard and I both like weird stuff so...) and wandered back into the city to grab some food. Went back to mine... Eventually had to break off the snuggling to get him on a bus. Waking up this morning I was really disorientated and wondered where the hell he was. Hehe, old habits die hard I guess.

But yeah, I had a really awesome time. It was sweet of him to mention how much he misses me, how much fun he had yesterday (well, was the first time I think we've really been out together without me either living with him or having 3 huge bags with me) and yeah... I kinda don't want to go into too much detail but... it was... -blushes- Being told that you're missed and there's things that happened that someone wishes you were there for... It means a lot to me. If you want to psychoanalyse, it's probably because I've had so little of that in my life that it means craploads. Who knows? All I know is that I still find him absolutely amazing. He brings something to my life that I can't even name. Oh, and for the cynics, I was the one who paid for the cinema. Did also buy "dinner" in the evening. I love being able to give peopel stuff when I can and I can't think of anyone more deserving.

While we were cuddling on my bed, he did mention that he did something the other week that I would possibly be mad about. I asked what and he mentioned that he read over my MSN chat logs on his laptop and realised that everything I was saying about him TO him wasn't a front as I was saying it to other people and I said "Well yeah because that's how I feel". He's been so used to people saying one thing to him and something different to someone else. I, to my knowledge, haven't done that. Sure, I might water down opinions of people to prevent stupid arguing, but I have NEVER said to someone that I think they're awesome when I hate their guts. So yeah.. .he kinda read all the smushy stuff I'd been saying and I guess he realised that I honestly was for real. I had no idea it was all being logged and... considering how long those logs are over, it'd be a hell of a long pretence. He admitted it was after reading those that he messaged me to say he missed me. As I said, I guess some things hit home finally. Then yesterday was like... well, I tried to leave all the emotionfilled stuff out of it. I understand that in order to give things another shot properly we both need some stability. Well, me more than him but...

Mmkay, lemme try that again... Words really do fail me at times. Well, when it comes to him at least... I know my situation isn't entirely fixed. I'm part way there. I'm REALLY hoping I get this damn job tomorrow but I'm not counting my chickens. Having lost my black interview skirt, I'm not amused but I can find a replacement tomorrow before I go. Or this afternoon depending on my time limits after I get out of MAP. Ok, getting sidetracked again... I know in order to really make things work, I need a job and my own place. Whether he ever joins me in where I'm staying is another matter altogether. Too far in the future to judge. I wouldn't rule out ever living with him again. As I said, I think things would have been a LOT easier when we stayed together if I'd had a job and was out at least part of the time instead of being there 24/7. I do want that whole coming home to him thing though... I do miss that as well as the waking up to someone curled up next to me. Sounds stupid, eh? As I said, give it time and who knows? But yeah... I can't change how I feel. I kinda went on a bit of an emotional outpouring last night (post-coital isn't the best time to do it, I know but... gah, we were both just so relaxed that it kinda slipped out... The words, nothing else ¬_¬) and asked him if he felt uncomfortable with me saying it all. He shook his head (I'll point out that at this point he was snuggled into me so speaking was kinda awkward, plus he was shattered). I then asked if it was comforting to hear and he nodded. Yes, I can interpret nods and stuff through movement on my back... Having said that, he and I can converse with nothing but mutters through mouthfuls of food and still know what each other is saying.

I'm not going to assume much but after seeing his reaction to me being told information that was a) false and b) something he hadn't told me himself, on top of Saturday with him saying he wasn't going to replace me and was offended I'd think so... I'm guessing there's a lot of feelings still there. Iunno... I guess I just don't want to assume too much but at the same time he's awful about talking about how he feels. I just don't want to push too hard for answers but keep it known how I feel.

There's a bit from InMe- Her Mask that kinda sums up the outline of how I feel:

You amaze me more than you could know,
And I need you all the time,
Laying stars you make me dream of bliss,
And I've loved you all the time

But yeah... I've honestly never felt so... amazed by someone... so shocked that they know me so well. Richard knows me much better than he thinks. He just needs to believe in me. I think that's starting to happen. I just want him to know that he doesn't have to be shy about asking me to do stuff with him. I'm MORE than happy and willing to do it, even stuff like wandering around the park and laughing at people (Hehe, failkid and Gordon Freeman spring to mind...). The company does me good and judging from how happy he seemed last night (as well as squeezing my hand getting on the bus and telling me he'll miss me), it'll do him good too. I know he's concerned about the fact that Sarah and I don't get on but, I've offered to make amends and have tried with my apology. If she wants to throw that back at me and say it's bollocks, at least I tried my bit by recognising that I was wrong with part of what I said and ATTEMPTING to try and repair bridges. As I said, I know she's important to him as a friend, therefore I want him to be happy and am willing to make an effort on top of recognising what I'd done wrong. When I'm under pressure, I do tend to be harsher. When I realise afterwards, I apologise. But yeah, regardless of how things are, I try to do the civil thing. It'd be nice if Sarah could see what a laugh I can be. I mean, if Richard's honestly that happy spending time with me, then I can't be a completely bad person and hey, she might even start to get on with me herself! :O

I did lol a bit when he said I've ruined Lego Star Wars for him now because he can't play it one player anymore and that Sarah sucks at it. It was more the loling at him though, bless <3

I dunno... I'm just in the frame of mind right now where I'm trying to sort out all areas of my life now I'm on a roll with things and... I just want to be able to spend time in a happy way again. I'm glad I was able to show Richard yesterday that I DO have my fun side on quite a lot most of the time. The less pressure I'm under, the more "fun" I am. Same with most people. Neither he nor Sarah met me at a great time in my life. I'm glad I'm now in the position where things are changing for the better for me and I hope I can start to fix things a bit further ^_^