Friday, 11 September 2009

I've Been Going Through Changes

You ever get the feeling that people use you as a playtoy? Well, I've just had that. Past few days with Richard have been great. We've been having fun (or so I foolishly thought), and I figured that all my insecurities had gone away. I'd even got to the point where I was really letting myself go emotionally during sex. I don't like doing that normally as I find it complicates things. I thought we'd put the arguments and stupid shit behind us.
When I woke up this morning, I had something stuck on my mind. I looked at how I feel about him and wondered if he actually really and truly felt the same. One thing popped up in my head: this girl that he slept with a few times behind Sarah (his ex)'s back. Remembering that he hasn't really said much (that I recall anyway) about her, I decided to try and find some stuff out so I knew exactly where I stood. He knew right away today that something was on my mind because he asked me and I tried to cover it up. So, he went off and ignored me. I struggled with it internally for a while then decided that I needed to get it out and talk about it before it got worse. He then accused me of looking through his phone and of accusing me of saying he was having an affair. Shit, all it was was me being stupidly insecure about something that happened in the past and wanting to know how much it would affect things with me and him. I can understand his annoyance though because if he'd said the same thing to me, I'd have been pretty pissed as well. I think I might have been more vocal in trying to discuss how much I care about him though if I were in his shoes.
Then we get to the next part... I asked him when he stopped caring about me. He said a month ago and asked when it was for me. I said that I didn't stop caring, that I still love him. Then he turns around and says he still loves me. WTF? I don't get it.
What I know is this: I love him. I probably shouldn't. I can't seem to stop it. I tried that from the start and it didn't work. But somehow every time that I try to say or do something to prove how I feel, it gets ignored or forgotten. All I seem to hear is that I never say how I feel about him. I hate overusing "I love you" even though it's how I feel. Iunno, it feels clich├ęd and only a fraction of what I actually feel. I find him totally fascinating as a person. I love how we have so many weird little things in common, the strange conversations we have, the shared sense of humour, the random shit we do for the lulz... I love how he makes me feel so totally amazing, how alive I feel when I spend time with him, how even though I act all freaked out by him staring at me, I actually love it. I'm just not great at vocalising a lot of this. I guess that's one reason why I love my blog so much. I can just write it down, not really think about it and get it out. I wish I was better at talking about stuff like that but I'm just not.
I know how shit things are for him right now and that I'm not making his situation any easier. I can't think of any way around that which won't cause pain. I thought I'd found someone I could finally actually be happy with. Someone who means so damn much to me and actually deserves it. He really does deserve to be happy and I want to be the person to give him that.
I know he sees it as me not really giving much of myself, but I have. I've let myself feel stuff I didn't really want to again. It's been hard as fuck for me to trust anyone after Steve. All the shit he and I did to each other over the years just... well, I kinda said I didn't want to trust anyone again. That I didn't want to get close to anyone ever again. That I didn't want someone to be able to connect with me on such a deep level. With Richard it just happened. I didn't try to make it happen, it just did. I don't know why or how. All I know is that he makes me so damn happy when we're not being a pair of stupid idiots. I do deeply resent having discussions suddenly being called "arguments" when it's a simple matter of debating things to get to the truth. I don't see myself as entirely blameless. I know I can come across as confrontational when it's not my intention. I just hoped he'd read me enough not to think that. Again, I misjudged, no one's fault.
All I know is that nothing I do seems to be right. I have no fucking idea how much he wants me to show him affection. Having last been with someone who was trying to get me to cut all my emotions out of me totally, I'm still struggling to adjust. I've not been a greatly social person since all that shit happened. I still have issues in dealing with others, with simple conversation at times. One thing I can do with my brain after a lot of effort is erase things. It took me a long time to erase how I felt for Steve. With Robbie I was under constant pressure to change who I was, what I think, the essence of who I was, all because of his stupid headfuck delusions. And it's screwed me up. It's not who I want to be. I've felt myself these past couple of months start to be myself again, to start being me once more. I know it's part my work but I've also been influenced by Richard. He's made things easier for me by letting me be me. It just seems that sometimes I can't be myself enough.
Every day is a struggle for me. I have to stop myself from just saying stuff so much. I can't always stop my reactions though. A lot can be read in my face and expressions. No matter how much I hold back the shit I don't want to say because it's not really how I feel, I betray myself. I know he gets frustrated and upset when I get down about things, but I can't help it. My meds can only do so much. It's just... it seems like he thinks I enjoy being like this and I don't. I'm trying so damn hard to change to what I want to be mentally but it seems that it just gets ignored.
There's not one moment that passes that I don't wish that I didn't have all my fucking issues. I didn't ask for any of them. I'd do anything to be rid of the lot. I hate how everything seems to be such a huge struggle, how I seem so often to be lost without a damn map of where I'm going or what I'm doing. How people don't help, how they just leave me to drown. While I feel better talking to people like Nate, they can't practically help me. When I try to help myself, something gets left out. Trying to get professional help for this has been almost impossible. No one gives a shit if you're screwed up in the head. It just seems that my best isn't good enough.
I just... want to be happy. The times that I am happy are fucking amazing. I'm not by any means saying that Richard is the only thing that makes me happy, but he does a lot of it. I just wish I had some indicators as to what I could do in return.
But hey, that seems to be totally pointless after tonight and what he said. I just.. I'm so damned confused. I want my head to stop working for a while so I can figure things out and just have some peace. Shame it doesn't work like that.
As for my original comment about being used like a playtoy? I wonder what exactly he wanted from me. Was I just an amusement? Something to prat around with that backfired on him? I'd rather believe that he really loved me and still does. I just hate living in delusions which is why I like things to be clarified so much. It's just that he's reluctant to do so.