Friday, 17 July 2009

It's Breaking My Heart To Pull Out The Rain


I didn't really mean for this to turn into a personal blog, but hey, not much I can do about that right now. I considered writing this entry in my Livejournal, but it seems wrong to necro it after it being dead for so long. Some things are best left dead.

I've been doing quite a bit of thinking about things this evening. Well, this past week really. Let's go back to last Saturday. Richard and I went to the Lord Mayor's Procession thingie. Started at about 11am after very little sleep to go listen to some jazz outside the library (which was shit, but amusing), went on to poodling around the city laughing at people, drinking and generally having fun. At one point we were sat in Chapelfield Gardens with some random guy who must've been in his 50s, chatting about random things. He was a really nice guy who gave us some fudge and bought us a couple of drinks. We watched the procession, had a few more drinks, watched the fireworks then went onto a club after to meet up with a friend of his. While the music wasn't really my cup of tea, it felt great to be out and dancing again.

I won't go into too much detail, but something happened that night that I don't really want to go into great detail about as I'll be stuck with the memories for quite some time. In short... it affected me a great deal. So much so that I decided that I was responsible for it and should get out of Richard's life because I was sick of hurting people who I love. So I tried to OD on Monday. Not one of my proudest moments. I've been left with a really painful stomach as they didn't actually clear it out.

I really wish I didn't end up in such states. I know they end up hurting the people I'm trying to protect, but I honestly don't know how else to cope with my moods sometimes. It's hard to explain really. It's like I get taken over by things that I can't control. I hate being that way, hate the lack of self-control, hate hurting people I care about.

The thing I worry about the most is that Richard will think I don't love him or stop loving me because he gets fed up with my moods. I still find it hard to understand why he's with me sometimes. I mean, I get that he finds me attractive, that we share a lot of common interests but I just worry that it'll all end too soon. I'm just trying to stay positive and not be all doom and gloom about it all. Maybe one day I'll realise what my good points are. The feelings I have for him are just so... undescribablely amazing that I don't want them to stop. I honestly haven't felt this strongly about someone before and I just can't imagine not having him in my life. This kinda led me onto reading some old emails, which in turn got me thinking about why Robbie thought the way he did about relationships. Maybe in his twisted mind he realised that he was hurting people with his emotions as they were so very different and set out to cut them entirely out of his life. Maybe he could see the same happening to me and that was why he tried to get me to adopt the same way of thinking. Problem is, I can't completely cut out emotions. I can internalise them but then I'm left in the mess, trying to keep myself together, then fall apart in the process. I know the proceedure well enough by now to know it won't work for me. I can't be someone I'm not no more than I can stop being who I am. It's just a shame that who I am is such a fucked up mess a lot of the time. Richard helps me more than he realises. Sometimes it's silly little things like stroking my hair and hugging me, other times it's telling me he loves me or complimenting me.

-sigh- I just wish I could be a bit more expressive with how much he means to me and how much I love him. I just don't know what to do, what to say without it sounding like total and utter cheese. I don't know, I just feel completely inadequate to show him how fucking amazing he is and how much I love him.