Friday, 26 June 2009

Hero Worship

This is a bit of an annoyance for me and has been for quite some time since Diana died and I really became aware of it. Ever noticed how when someone famous or "famous" dies, people go into this bizarre trance of exonerating the person of all their wrongs and praising them for seemingly everything they can think of? Seriously, it's a matter of time before someone starts saying that Micheal Jackson invented a cure of cancer or something. Ok, maybe a tad too far there. For those of you not in the loop, it was announced on the news not too long ago that Micheal Jackson had passed away.

Source right here

Anyways, I was only made aware when my Facebook friends decided to start spamming their statuses talking about his death. I'd seen earlier in the evening that Farrah Fawcett had died as well. Anyway, suddenly my Facebook was being spammed with all these people wittering on about how awesome Micheal Jackson was. Ok, he was a talented artist and dancer. I had respect for him for that but his personal life left me a bit... well, weirded out. Aside from the whole child porn, paedophilia and the like, there was still the fact that he was quite bizarre with how he acted as a parent. I mean, dangling a baby off a balcony? Dressing his children up with veils over their heads? Not being funny, but there's a lot of people who were more famous than him who didn't do such extreme things with their offspring. Sure, he could have been concerned about their being recognised by paparazzi, but isn't that the concern of every celebrity parent? Plus surely with the amount of money he had, he could afford decent security, even if their faces were ever seen.

I don't doubt that he had a difficult life. I remember watching a documentary a few years ago about the childhood he had with his dad being so pushy in regards to his music career along with those of their siblings and the amount of pressure he was under. I felt a great amount of sympathy for him. I realise he had a great struggle and his life was blighted by the media, speculation and much controversy. I do feel sorry that he had to go through so much, but I'm sorry, I refuse to worship someone.

When my nan died, I felt a large amount of grief because it was a personal loss. How many of us actually have personal links on the same level as family ties to celebrities? Not very many. We only see what the media allows us. It's kinda like knowing someone only online. You only see what you're "allowed" to see. A lot of people ridicule online only relationships, yet they are very often the same people who will indulge in this hero worship on behalf of someone they never really knew or even had any personal contact with. Say an online friend of mine died. I'd be upset as I'd had personal interaction with that person, but by no means would I claim that I knew them completely. This is a large issue I have with the grievers or celebrities. They tend to speak of the deceased as though they had a personal relationship with them.

I know it can seem as though someone is "speaking" to you via their music or what they write, but very rarely do you know someone completely. Hell, that hardly happens in couples or families. You never completely know someone. However, having an intimate relationship with someone, in my eyes at least, requires a certain amount of one on one interraction that is unique to the two parties. To me, this is a world apart from what most hysterical grievers claim to have with celebrity figures.

It's not just celebrity deaths though, also with some major events such as 9/11. Bad things happen and people die. It's part of life. How often do you see such things as the Holocaust remembered? Or the Great Plague of 1665? The death of Shakespeare? Very rarely if ever. The media looks for a marketable death, next thing you know there's bandwagoners.

People accuse me for being overly harsh about the deaths of others. To me it's like this: if I died, I'd want people to be light hearted about it. I'd be pissed off (should I still be capable of it) if people just sat around moping without cracking a few jokes at my expense. But that's just me. As I said earlier, I had a great amount of respect for Jackson as a artist and sympathy over his troubled life. The fact that I'm going to laugh at jokes doesn't mean I respect him any less.

With so many problems in society, people need to learn to laugh more and stop being so serious about everything. Laughter is good for you. More so than being down, depressed and wailing about every tiny little drama.

Tuesday, 23 June 2009


Well, I've had a lot to think about the past couple of days. About myself as well as my current situation. It's been painful, tiring and quite frankly bloody depressing. I'm a fair bit annoyed that so much of yesterday was wasted on it. Well, I guess it wasn't ENTIRELY wasted. I mean, despite most of the evening being taken up with tears and talking, I felt a bit lighter that I managed to get certain things off my chest. I mean, it's not easy to tell the person that you love things that you think will upset them. Which was kinda the position I found myself in last night.

Having to talk about my thoughts and opinions on the behaviour of his ex. Now, normally I would have kept all this to myself or complained only to a friend about it, but the problem is that I know how messed up I became from people doing the same thing to me and obviously because I love my boyfriend, I wanted him to see exactly what was going on. Or at least what I perceive to be happening. I don't claim to know everything (and let's face it, no one does), but I was 99% certain with what was going on. My only real doubt was over whether it was conscious or subconscious behaviour and that was the only point I was really lost on. Either way, I don't find it acceptable. I hate being demonised for something I haven't done or that isn't my fault. In this situation I feel that everyone has part blame. The only person who seems to be lashing out with it at others is her. Having said that, my outburst last night doesn't exactly make me a saint but... With everything else going on I'm shocked it hasn't shown itself sooner. So yeah, I've done a pretty good job of keeping myself together. Last night I just.. cracked. As I said, my real regret is that I ended up spending most of the evening in a miserable mood and that ended up with my boyfriend feeling like shit too. I'm still hitting myself for that.

I just wish I could cope with things better. I just can't do happy smiley all the damn time. I know realistically that I can't as well. I just wish that I could control my moods a bit better and not hurt those I care about with them. What frustrates me is that I know the person I love is sick of being caught up in the middle of this. I don't want him to feel like that, yet I have no idea what I could do to change the situation other than remove myself completely from his life. As I said last night to him, it's not going to change much once I get my own place. There's still going to be this misery hanging around. Maybe moreso than what there is right now because she'll be the only person here with him, therefore more chance to try guilting with me out of the way. I'm not exactly sure what it is she wants; whether she wants him back, just doesn't want him to be with someone else or what. But I learned that life doesn't always go to plan and we don't always get what we want. For once, I have a chance of having something I want and I intend to keep fighting for it because I truly believe that it's worth it. That's the only reason that I'm not giving up and throwing in the towel. If the suffering becomes to great... I might have to reconsider. I just wish things were easier or that I had another solution for this, but I don't. It's frustrating the hell out of me. I hate seeing him unhappy but I know he'll be unhappy without me as well.

This brings me onto a concept that I studied in Philosophy; Utilitanarianism (I always have trouble pronouncing it). Quite simply put, it's "the greatest good for the greatest number of people". While I subscribe to this principle for many things, of late I've started to become more selfish as following the above principle has caused me a lot of pain in putting others before myself all the time. I want to do something for myself for once, something that will make ME happy. Considering how much unhappiness I've had in my life and how rarely chances for happiness come along for me, I want to grab something this amazing with both hands and not let go. I know pretty damn well for certain that I'm not going to find someone else who can just "get" so much of who I am or share so much in common with.

It's been difficult for me to cope with my feelings. I mean, initially I was scared to say anything at all, such was my phobia of being laughed at or rejected. I know I didn't mean for things to happen as fast as they did, or in the current situation. I suppose I'd best start from the beginning:

When I met him, it was simply through chatting on a site. He added me to MSN and we had a few random conversations. I made a bit of a smutty comment one day and he mentioned he hada girlfriend, so I respected that and backed off with those sort of things. We texted each other a tad as well, and then when I wasn't able to stay where I was, I texted him about the situation as I thought he'd get a laugh out of it and because I was totally out of my mind at the time. I figured trying to make a joke out of it would help me. Anyway, we met that day and I... I knew right then there was something. I tried to put it out of my head as my situation being the sort that would make me go all hero-worship, but even without that, there was something. When he initially offered me a sofa for the night, I declined and sorted something else out. The real fuckup came after a visit to the council when they refused to accept me as homeless due to an existing tenancy in Dartford, to which I tried to explain that I couldn't return to it due to issues with an ex-partner and domestic violence. I was then screwed as far as assistance with accomodation went, which is when he stepped in and offered. With the amount of insisting that was going on, I accepted, knowing that the situation would be awkward as hell. He broke up with his girlfriend the night before I had to leave, which was a reason I was tentative about taking up his offer. I was aware there would be some backlash over his decision, that there would be some jealousy, that there would be some hate.

The fact of the matter is that it feels as though she's blaming me for them breaking up. I was assured many times by him that this wasn't the case, that the problems had been there for ages. It seems this is being ignored and it's easier to use me as a scapegoat. Probably also because it's apparent that he enjoys spending time with me so much, that we're very alike with our interests and have fun together. If I'm truthful it feels like I'd have a hell of a list of things to apologise for, but this time I'm standing my ground and refusing to be so subservient and cave in because of someone trying to put me on a guilt trip because I make her ex happy. I don't know how I've managed to fall in love so fast and so deeply. All I know is this feels more right than anything else I've ever experienced. Sure, there's the crap timing and situation but what I feel inside... I can only say that it eclipses anything I've felt for anyone else before. I used to be very disbelieving in love happening so fast. It's not often I use the "L" word with someone to begin with, and especially not this fast. I just hate being made to feel like this whole thing was orchestrated when it really wasn't... You can't choose who you fall in love with or when. I don't for one second regret meeting him or how happy he makes me. I just hate seeing someone I love being hurt and not being able to do a damn thing about it. I can stand what's said about me, as much as it may irritate, but to hear him being so mercilessly slagged off... I can't. No matter how much I'm told not to worry about him, I do. I can't turn that off.

So what's my solution? To keep working towards my goal of getting my own place. What the fuck else can I do? If I just up and leave it'll hurt him more. Sleeping rough would have the same effect. All I can do is endure as always and cherish every second that I spend with him.

I know I can be strong. I just hope he feels I'm worth all this hassle and stays strong with me.

Sunday, 21 June 2009


Just realised I have this nice, shiny new blog that I haven't written in yet seems as good a time as any. I do miss my old Livejournal, but some things are best left in the past, really. This is, after all, a new beginning, a new chapter.. a new start. Not a new hope cuz that'd just be too Star Wars for my life.

I've missed writing... a lot. I used to use it as not just a form of self-expression but also getting general crap out of my head as well as a kind of detox thingie. You'd be shocked how effective it can be.

So, where to start? After 23 years of crap from most people who have touched my life, I appear to have found someone who only wants the opposite for me. I'm incredibly grateful to have found him. With my past relationships being kinda... well, crap (clearly, or I'd still be in one of them), I'm shocked that I ended up finding something better than what I've had in the past.

I guess the main guy in my life was Steve... I loved him but at the same time I felt trapped in a relationship that I was quickly outgrowing. But because I cared about him so much, I tried to save what was no longer there. It took me a long time to realise that in the 5 years we'd been together that we were essentially two different people and no longer right for each other. It was part fear of change that held me back. While I don't usually condone the whole self-help books thing, I have to say that Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers did actually help. However it wasn't until some time later that I discovered this book. Point is, I felt so deeply about Steve and made him the centre of my world. I've since realised that a truly healthy relationship involves a tad of selfishness. However, I've experienced the extreme of this in another ex-partner and think I kinda have an idea of what the right balance is now. I now know I can not only have my own feelings about a situation, but that they're equally valid and important as those of my partner.

Fact is, I loved him deeply. It took some time for that to come through though. What I have now... I was shocked by the speed of it coming out. But honestly, there is nothing about who I have now that I'm unhappy about. Ok, so sometimes he can hit on sensitive points a tad too hard in jest, but overall as a person, I'm blown away by how thoughtful and loving he is. Sure, our starting a relationship right now wasn't the best time but... neither of us can help loving each other. You can't choose who and when... it just happens. In my case, no matter how awkward it may be, I'm glad it did. Words simply can't describe how much I care for him, how much I enjoy spending time with him, or how much I adore him as a person. I by no means worship him but... I love him deeply and to know it's reciprocated on the same level is the best feeling of all.

So yeah, there's my slushy entry for the day.