Saturday, 28 November 2009

We Do What We Must, Because We Can. For The Good Of All Of Us. Expect The Ones Who Are Dead.

I've been talking a lot about the gaming industry lately but as with most of my greatly enlightened theories and ideas, few are making it to me blog lately.

My first recentish thought about it was along the lines of the general ignorance of the public with regards to what the industry stands for. So many people assume that gaming is still very much an activity for kids or those with more childish mindsets and maturity. Truth is, while there are a lot of games aimed at the younger market, there's plenty for older demographics. I'd love to see a three year old deal with the complexities of Football Manager. While the game has a low age rating, it doesn't mean that someone that age will be able to comprehend the game mechanics. It's rare for kids to even be able to complete something like a film licenced game (Shark Tale/Madagascar/Shrek etc). The truth of the matter is that few young kids have either the mental capacity, attention span or hand-eye co-ordination to really sit down and complete games.

I see the main problem as people not really understanding how game classification works. So many consider age ratings to be difficulty ratings. Fact is, game ratings are moe akin to film classifications. Problem lies with peple being used to seeing BBFC rtings on films whereas games not only have BBFC ratings but also PEGI and ELSPA. While these ratings look different visibly, they are essentially the same thing. I know during my employment of selling licenced products that the punishment for selling a PEGI classified game to a minor was the same as selling a BBFC rated game, despite the latter being the only legally recognised classification at the time. Changes to legislation this year now mean that PEGI ratings are legally recognised. The true question is how the public will react to this change and whether they will actually pay attention to this change in the law. My personal opinion is that they will stay as ignorant as ever.

There is a great deal of passing the buck going on with people commonly assuming that children get their hands on "inappropriate" games due to the sellers being focused on profits rather than checking the age of the buyer. GTA is a prime example of this. I came across an article in Take A Break last month regarding their 'war' against the companies that are corrupting the youth of today. Thing is, Rockstar don't MAKE 18+ games for kids. The responsibility for who plays them lies with the consumer, which is THE PARENTS. Most parents will buy their kids anything they want without considering what they're actually buying or doing any product research before they part with their cash or say yes. Even when I've tried to inform them, most of the time they didn't care. One woman with a 5 year old wanted to buy GTA:San Andreas for her kid. As she initially sent the kid up to the counter with the money, I naturally refused the sale. She came over herself and asked why I refused the sale. I pointed out that the game was an 18 rating and I didn't want to lose my job by selling to a minor. I went into detail about the content of the game, explaining there's extreme violence, drug references, explicit sex scenes... Despite all this, she still felt that this game was fine for her five year old.

I'll be honest, I fucking love San Andreas and believe it's a gaming masterpiece although not as classic as Vice City (which never gets old because of the 80s soundtrack as you're mowing down hundreds of Cubans), so I can't completely judge her for wanting to buy a game that got rave reviews, but buying it for a five year old?! I REALLY don't see that as a smart parenting move. Although Croydon is full of pimps and hos and the game would have been a valuable tool for preparing life skills, there's somethings that a five year old doesn't need to see, such as a tall black guy in a pimp suit beating up old ladies with a giant purple dildo. Mind you... could happen in Croydon...

So yeah, my point is that parents rarely restrict their kids with what they want or actually pay attention to what they're interested in. The fault lies with the parents and they simply want to pass on responsibility to anyone other than themselves.

I worked during one of the biggest gaming related incidents; the Manhunt killing. It was amazing how the media was so quick to point the finger at the retailers for being irresponsible in selling to underage kids. As I recall, the boy in question had had the game bought for him. Fact is, when you know you could lose your job, go to prison as well as getting a hefty £5k fine, you tend to value your job as more important than giving in to a stroppy kid or selling to someone who doesn't quite look old enough. Few people would want to go to prision as a result of retail, unless it involves blowing the place up and taking as many people with you as possible. Sometimes I'm honestly shocked that this hasn't happened. In any case, as a counter jockey you perceive your job as more important than an acned thirteen year old's desire to asphyxiate some butch guy with a sandwich bag.

When the fault lies with the irresponsible parents of a child's friend, it's again easier to point the finger at the nameless people behind the counter than to believe that someone you know is at fault. What Take A Break readers and general populace forget is that today's adult gamers are by no means kids trying to stay young. At the current age of 24, I can proudly state that I've been gaming for 18 years, starting at the age of 6 with my Mega Drive. I know quite a few people my age who are of the same frame of mind. Some may have been consistent gamers, sme may have started up again after a break of many years, some may have been introduced through a gaming friend. Fact is that games are getting to be just as popular as DVDs with certain age groups for entertainment. The female market is quite difficult to break into as even if a virtual shopping game came out, I doubt the majority of females could be persuaded to swap their compacts for controllers.

Gaming for some females will forever be seen on the same terms as say, football. Few woment have a genuine and prolonged interest in football. Even those who claim the opposite have any in depth knowledge. Again, there are some exceptions. Female gamers are the same. They generally assume that FIFA or any largely promoted game is good. This sadly includes most of EA's repertoire. A true female gamer will know her genres, accurately name titles that fall into these, give at least ten full names of game protagonists (not including Sonic and Mario), will have owned more than three consoles in her life and will be able to accurately give synopses of at least 5 games as well as identifying the difference between a developer and a publisher. But again, there's the of too familiar female desire to impress by feigning interest to curry favour. This is why Topshop mannequin tarts will deign to turn up at a football stadium if you happen to mention that you're a supporter and they want to bang you enough. I've personally never understood it.

Female gamers are often perceived as 'cool girls' who play things like Dancing Stage or other games deemed 'suitable' for women to play. For me, the real proof of a true female gamer is experience of multiple genres. I've played MMORPGs, FPSes, TPSes, Strategy, Sports sim, Driving, RPGs, Survival Horrors and Beat Em Ups. The Sims is fun while you mock torture your work colleagues or the guy who eyes you up at the bus stop every morning, but other than sadistic reasons, there's very little to keep you going in terms of actual gameplay. You get to a point where you realise that you could have actually have DONE this stuff in real life and achieved something. There's only so long you can spend virtually cleaning before you realise there's a mounting pile of it in the sink that actually needs dealing with. There's very little realistic correlation between The Sims and real life. Correct me when the Economic Recession and Political Revolution expansions come out.

With so few knoeldgeable females around, the general ignorance of the gaming industry will carry on, meaning that the gaming industry is stuck with it's current image until through enough generations, enough females are clued up enough about games, or until a game is brought out to appeal to enough females to mean that they take an interest in 'proper' games.

In all fairness, there are the games. While the Buffy games were pretty poor mechanically, it was still something that could have been really appealing to the female market. The same could be said of the Charlie's Angels game, Bloodrayne or pretty much any film licence that appealed to the female market.

While films have been around for so many years, games are relatively new in a widespread way. Certain recent trends that involve popularity spikes in gaming include Space Invaders, Sonic, Dancing Stage and the Wii.

A lot of peple slate the Wii off and I'm usually somewhere near the head of the queue to do so, but I will concede that it has done a large part in encouraging casual gamers. I personally detest casual gamers, although admittedly they can be educated and converted much easily than a complete non-gamer. They at least own a console which is half the battle won. Where I usually go from here is suggesting a variety of games that correspond to their other hobby choices and film likes, then judge from there what would suit them the most. In time they can be introduced to retro greats such as Perfect Dark, Goldeneye or Final Fantasy VII, and in time their attitudes change. Sadly this method takes a lot of time and effort, which means that a more effcient way needs to be found.

The future of gaming, I assume, will be pretty secure. People are more responsive to multimedia entertainment now. With the increase in internet useage, there is also an increase in the amount of people accessing one source for multiple services. The PS3 is an excellent example of one box to play music, view photos, browse the internet, chat and socialise, shop, watch films, watch TV shows AND play games. The only things lacking are intergration with other services such as MSN (Xbox 360 does this already), Facebook (could be done through browser), Skype, ability to take and edit pictures/record and edit videos, receive live TV/radio. Microsoft seem to be taking quite a few steps in those directions already.

It's my honest opinion that with enough of this sort of integration, viewpoints will relax to the point where gaming is accepted as a mainstream activity as much as watching films and listening to music. My only fear is where the game market will go as a result. There's a danger that games will become too simplistic (along the whole Wii Sports road) and alienate the loyal, veteran gamers at the expense of encouraging more casual gamers. Many people feel this is already the case with Nintendo and their almost constant promotion of the Wii as an electronic home gym. A lot of people have realised that the standard of the games has decreased a lot in the current generation, and I would say for the most part this is true. It's hard to not look at the pre-owned PS2 section in Game without a somewhat misty-eyed gaze.

The current console generation still has plenty of life left in it yet and I'm fully expecting some good to come out of it, providing the companies don't lose sight of the people who bought their consoles and games, putting them where they are now.

Monday, 23 November 2009

Death Defying Breeze Is Just What I Need, Ease This Passing Blood, Pressure In My Ears

Hmmkay... Been writing a lot recently but it's more finding the time to type up and publish inbetween other stuff. Having said that, this weekend I was completely lazy and did little aside from laying in bed and reading. Felt good but... empty. I just miss being with people, doing things with them... ya know, normal stuff. It's part general frustration and trying to stop myself from falling down again as things are out of my control.

I did give Dartford a call today... absolutely no progress there other than they received my letter. So ya, as far as I'm concerned, I'm trying to get things sorted and they're being lazy arses about finishing up all the paperwork regarding my old tenancy. I gave Norwich City Council a call but only got through to a voicemail, asked them to give me a call back regarding my housing application so I know how far along things are there. Got a doctor's appointment tomorrow afternoon... Was going to try and fit Opticians in again but I think I shall leave that for a couple of days. Gah... I just wish things were moving faster...

More topical posting will hopefully follow tomorrow once I've got time enough to sit down and type. Been working on it since Thursday night so yeah -_-

Monday, 16 November 2009

I Love You, And No One Can Take That Away (Still Crying), To Prove To You, This Isn't Just An Obsession

I've tried to think of a few ways to start this entry and I'm just kinda o_o everytime.

I've had a few people ask me how I am. Truth is, I really don't know right now.

On the one hand, I found out that the "job" I'd got was really a scam. A "company" that never actually employs you and pays no basic rate, most ofthe job is door to door knocking. After discussing it with Sean (guy who's staying in the room next to mine), Richard and a couple of Jobcentre Staff, I decided it really wasn't something I wanted to be involved with. I have a sneaking suspiscion that the company in question will be investigated as well. So yeah... after my the whole day interview and first day on the job, I admitted defeat and went back to trawling through what the Jobcentre has to offer. In all fairness, there was nothing stated in the job advert for the other thing that it was self-employed OR that you wouldn't even be on a basic wage. Plus a company that claims you can be earning 6 figures inside a year? Really? The more I thought about it, the more ridiculous it sounded. Plus the fact that I had to pay for my own damn travel and ended up skint as a result so I couldn't even have gone in anyway. Yeah... complete waste of time and money.

So what have I done with my time since? Well, spent most of it with Richard in various ways. Going to see Christmas lights switched on, getting my face painted like a cat, getting stoned, playing Burnout, watching films...

I'm actually hoping he skims over this entry cuz... it's about to get a bit... -sigh- I just need to get this all out.

Things just feel weird between him and I. I know he needs his own time, I'm cool with that. But the time we do spend together just feels strange. I wonder why I'm still making an effort. I love him to bits, don't get me wrong. I just keep getting these damn neurotic moments about why he's spending time with me, what he wants from all this...

I guess at the end of the day all I want is to be loved and wanted. I had that with him, I kinda ended up pissing on it all with stupid shit that I did. It just seems now that anything I try and do, any affection I show... it's just pushed aside. It hurts like damn but I'd rather spend that sort of time with him than none at all. Yes, I realise how stupid and sadistic that is. I love spending time with him but I just... wish things weren't so awkward. I want to ask him so many things that I just feel that I can't because we're technically not together anymore but they still weigh on my mind. I know how he reacted when I mentioned him replacing me... I guess that's still my fear. As well as working to change things for myself, part of my motivation is to change things for him too. I don't want him to stop being part of my life. I know he makes a lot of jokes and I should n't take them to heart but.. it's hard not to at the moment. They were easier to take when we were a couple as I had a better idea that they were said in jest. Now it's just... well, let's take for example how when I wake up at his, he makes a "joking" comment about me leaving right away. First time I could laugh it off. After the 5th, it's not funny anymore. It really starts to give me a complex. If he wants to say something, just fucking say it. I've had enough of people messing me around.

Something he said the other weekend was about him not saying he loved me. I don't know what his reasons were. I'm kinda confused on that whole situation altogether. All I really remember was we were outside Earlham Park and he said "I could say I love you right now and mean it" then something then "Are you sure you can manage me not saying it?". I just wish I had better memories of that night or that I had the balls to actually talk to him in person about this sort of shit because it seems whenever I try to, he just says he's not in the mood to talk about anything heavy or that it'll only turn into an argument so he doesn't want to talk about it. I'm sure everything's (mostly) ok in HIS head because he knows how I feel, where he stands with me (mostly at least) but I know NOTHING apart from the fact that he misses spending time with me and doesn't complain about me fucking him. I mean... I just don't know what to think about it all. I can't just make all the feelings go away cuz... I love him. I want him to stay in my life so I have to deal with this shit. I just don't know how. I want to sit down and talk about it all. Get it out in the open and sorted out in my head. I'm just too scared to bring it up with him incase it starts another argument or makes him less enamoured with the idea of seeing me.

But yeah... I've got my own stuff pretty much in order with regards to housing. Just waiting to hear back from places. Dartford has to respond to my appeal first, which is what I'm chasing up tomorrow afternoon. Got an interesting day planned out:

Morning - Meeting with Stonham, print off CVs, distribute accordingly, try to book appointments at agencies
Afternoon- Chase up Dartford Council ready for appointment with Shelter on Thursday, go shopping (nid foods etc), hopefully pass out so I don't have to put up with insufferable people where I live (although Saturday night's fight in the stairwell amused me).

So yeah, fun packed day as you can see... I'm just glad it's contructive stuff.

Monday, 9 November 2009

Cuz Sometimes You Feel It, Ya Know How It Is. Wake Up In The Morning and Everything Fits

Soooo.... my weekend was... nice ^_^

Saturday involved much lulz, alcohol, weed and explosions, although thankfully my temper wasn't involved in that. Mind you, it was a really nice day and I was in no mood at all to get involved in anything deep/argumentative.

(in a side note, I love the Sesame Street Google headers... Yes, I'm still clinging desperately onto my childhood; sue me).


Saturday was a really nice day. I had an awesome time (and can remember most of it quite lucidly before anyone even TRIES to claim otherwise!) and yuh.. Prancing around the park while swigging back cider, involved bacon and pretty much all the elements that make up an awesome night. It's getting used to not snuggling as much that I'm finding hard to adjust to. I so need to get a cat...

Sunday I slept in (kinda) for the first time in ages. Aside from the usual waking every couple of hours and wondering where I am, who I am and what year it is followed by the need to piss, I managed to stretch my sleeping out until about 1pmish when I decided that I really should move or at the very least become more "awake". I eventually settled on laying in bed reading for a while until the urge to drink tea took me over and I ventured downstairs.

It wouldn't have been so bad chatting away to Shaun (the guy in the room next to mine who seems to be the only other 'sane' person in the place) had we not had the weird guy downstairs come into the lounge and... well... be weird for the next 9 hours. He's a very repetitive person and that's a minor niggle of mine. His obsession with The Beatles and horoscopes is also quite disturbing. Seems he's a reforming alcoholic and has a lot of issues. He also brought along a friend of his (as we're allowed visitors.. it's kinda like just staying in a shared flat really) who seemed really into trying to get Shaun and I into the church. We er... weren't too enthralled with this idea. Got out of it by making generally non-commital murmuring noises, nodding occassionally and feigning interest in the five channels the TV receives. Screen snow is oddly fascinating at times like this. So, after he left, we thought we were safe... Sadly not. The next few hours became a game of trying to find stuff on TV that would persuade him to leave the room (apparently anything with blood is a dead cert) so we could continue our conversation about how pornographic Disney animated films are and how The Wizard of Oz should really be re-classified as an 18. You know, normal stuff.

Eventually I gave up around 1am and dragged myself off to bed, passing out with The Green Mile on my head (the book, not the film).

Woke up and remembered that I had my interview today. It went... okish actually. I was a tad intimidated by the people who came out before I went in as they were all dressed up really smart and I... well, let's just say I don't own a suit and cobbled together something "presentable" out of my wardrobe. But yeah, guy interviewing me was an American and said if I was picked for a second interview, I'd hear back between half 5 and half 6 today so.. .waiting...

Friday, 6 November 2009

Stones Taught Me To Fly, Love Taught Me To Cry

Wewt, been another busy day today. Started off with this morning's assessment for housing support. Was kinda... draining really. I honestly don't like talking about all my crap for long periods of time. This has been the 4th day this week I've had to do so, resulting in tears. Yes, it's still painful. This is kinda why I want to do something totally unrelated tomorrow involving silliness and stuff. Plus considering there's going to be a huge fireworks display and I love pretty sparkly things, it's all good. This is actually my favourite time of year, being the weird pyro-freak that I am who loves burning and explosions. But that aside, I love the smell of autumn leaves, burning wood and of course the whole prettiness of big pretty sparklies in the sky. Uhm, back to my point...

After the assessment, I went back to mine, got changed and got a phone call... Another job interview on Monday! :D So yeah, I went off for the interview this afternoon in an excellent mood. I needed that lift after this morning just seeming so... much. I know I have to tell all these people my personal shiz, but it really doesn't make it easier. Probably because it's one thing to talk to my friends about it and COMPLETELY another to talk to strangers, even though they're trying to help me with my situation. So yeah, hearing I have another interview was all "OMG SO EVEN IF I DON'T GET THIS JOB, I STILL HAVE ANOTHER CHANCE!" It's actually quite an interesting job...

Yeah, marketing sounds like something you'd be stuck on the phones for, trying to sell stuff. This company sounds more... well, they come up with how things are advertised and marketed. Having worked in retail for so long, I'm pretty aware with what customers respond to. Ok, not going to get too ahead of myself and come out with what I'm going to say at the interview here! But yeah, it's a three part interview system. First is just so they can look at my CV and get an idea of what sort of person I am. Well, easier to just copypasta this:

Our Interview process is broken down into three stages. The first (preliminary) interview will last approximately 10 - 20 minutes. The goal of this interview is to meet candidates, introduce our business, and discuss the opening. We also evaluate candidates' communication skills, levels of confidence, and career goals.
A second, more thorough interview assessment day will take place, which involves the candidate observing the role first hand along with our evaluation of their work ethic, ability to multi-task and people skills. The final interview is where we will reach a final decision about the candidates computability and confirms terms.

I was kinda thrown by the call coming from London, but I was emailed all the details about where the Norwich office is. It doesn't seem as... probable as the job I went for today but... It'd be an interesting opporutnity if I DID get into it. The pay is... well:

Details regarding pay also vary depending on campaign, results, advancement and responsibility. On average , non-experienced new starts earn between £200- £400/week. As candidates advance and assume more responsibility you will continue to earn significantly more.

So like, a minimum of £800 per month?! Hell, I was on a good £100-200 less than that at Game! It's about equal to what I was on at Silverscreen though so... But yeah, I could really do with something like that. Ok, who couldn't but... COME ON! I've got the drive, the enthusiasm...

Anyways, this interview this afternoon.... Went pretty well I think. The guy interviewing me mentioned that most people he's interviewed have given one word answers so that's a good start :P I related my answers to both work stuff and other things I've gone through IRL. I was also totally honest about coming back into the area and looking to get back into working as I'm trying to restart my life (I guess that's the easiest way to put it). I tried to ask interesting questions regarding the position, THINK I succeeded. The overall vibe was good... better than at my Gamestation interview back in August. Plus you know, I have the advantage of not having been fired from House of Fraser or Fossil :P

Apparently if people don't hear anything back by Friday, they haven't got anything. Well... I'm quitely confident that I will but I'm not counting my chickens yet.

Sooooo... this evening will entail curling up with a book and hoping I can find SOMEONE to do SOMETHING with tomorrow. If I have to spend the day alone in my place, I'll probably go insane(r) and eat one of my own limbs.

Thursday, 5 November 2009

I Must Have Been Working The Ropes When My Hand Slipped From Yours

Mmmkay... I'll start with the stuff that people will really be interested in I guess.

Temporary housing is okish after I had it pointed out the crack on the window is on the outside, not the inside. As I'm 3 stories up, it matters little anyway. It's a roof... nothing amazing. Ok, more than a roof as it has a bed -rolls eyes- I know what I mean :P But yeah, I've not really spoken to the other "residents" but then, I've not had much chance to. First day I was in there, I was kinda busy with umpteen appointments at various places about housing and stuff.

So far I've got a the following coming up:

- Appointment at Shelter regarding that stupid housing benefit overpayment and sorting out the reasons for my tenancy ending (basically to get it changed to a DV aspect from simple non-payment of rent by me explaining that I would have returned to the property had Steve moved away) - 19th November

- Appointment with Leeways (refuge) support workers to get me some councelling for all the crap with my mother/Steve/Robbie etc. - 12th November

- Interview at the Jobcentre regarding my ADF (grant towards me getting back into work) - 10th November

- Interview with Stonham Housing support regarding various services I need due to all the stuff like DV, mental health, physical health etc. - tomorrow 10am.

Looks like a lot, but it's all kinda spread out. My main focus at the moment is sorting out the Dartford crap so the council here can get a better idea of what's going on and rehouse me faster.

Ke so, moving onto other stuff...

Yesterday was pretty ... well, awesome actually.

I'd recieved a message on Facebook that kinda left me a bit... well, perplexed. So I decided to talk to Richard to find out exactly what was going on with the situation. Ya know, learning to not assume anymore. At first he got all angry as he thought I was accusing him and kinda ignored me for a bit. I kinda badgered him into coming into the city as it was a nice day, would do him good to get out etc. Soooo... we met up outside the Forum. I explained what I was asking exactly. That I wasn't going to go all emo if it was true, but just that I wanted to know as it'd been mentioned to me by someone else and I wanted to know his side of things. Anyways, was explained and I have no reason to doubt any of it. So yeah, after that we wandered around chatting for a while and I mentioned going to the cinema. After the comments on what I was wearing (mostly stuff I picked up in Lewes) which were positive (apparently I looked really smart o_o), we pootled around HMV and the Mall. Grabbed something to eat and sat outside. Had a few pictures taken of me, went into Argos to sit on their sofas, fooled around a bit in there in front of everyone, wandered up to the cinema in the evening... Saw The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus (which was actually pretty damn good. I was iffy to begin with as I'd read some awful reviews of it, but all in all it was a good film. Mind you, Richard and I both like weird stuff so...) and wandered back into the city to grab some food. Went back to mine... Eventually had to break off the snuggling to get him on a bus. Waking up this morning I was really disorientated and wondered where the hell he was. Hehe, old habits die hard I guess.

But yeah, I had a really awesome time. It was sweet of him to mention how much he misses me, how much fun he had yesterday (well, was the first time I think we've really been out together without me either living with him or having 3 huge bags with me) and yeah... I kinda don't want to go into too much detail but... it was... -blushes- Being told that you're missed and there's things that happened that someone wishes you were there for... It means a lot to me. If you want to psychoanalyse, it's probably because I've had so little of that in my life that it means craploads. Who knows? All I know is that I still find him absolutely amazing. He brings something to my life that I can't even name. Oh, and for the cynics, I was the one who paid for the cinema. Did also buy "dinner" in the evening. I love being able to give peopel stuff when I can and I can't think of anyone more deserving.

While we were cuddling on my bed, he did mention that he did something the other week that I would possibly be mad about. I asked what and he mentioned that he read over my MSN chat logs on his laptop and realised that everything I was saying about him TO him wasn't a front as I was saying it to other people and I said "Well yeah because that's how I feel". He's been so used to people saying one thing to him and something different to someone else. I, to my knowledge, haven't done that. Sure, I might water down opinions of people to prevent stupid arguing, but I have NEVER said to someone that I think they're awesome when I hate their guts. So yeah.. .he kinda read all the smushy stuff I'd been saying and I guess he realised that I honestly was for real. I had no idea it was all being logged and... considering how long those logs are over, it'd be a hell of a long pretence. He admitted it was after reading those that he messaged me to say he missed me. As I said, I guess some things hit home finally. Then yesterday was like... well, I tried to leave all the emotionfilled stuff out of it. I understand that in order to give things another shot properly we both need some stability. Well, me more than him but...

Mmkay, lemme try that again... Words really do fail me at times. Well, when it comes to him at least... I know my situation isn't entirely fixed. I'm part way there. I'm REALLY hoping I get this damn job tomorrow but I'm not counting my chickens. Having lost my black interview skirt, I'm not amused but I can find a replacement tomorrow before I go. Or this afternoon depending on my time limits after I get out of MAP. Ok, getting sidetracked again... I know in order to really make things work, I need a job and my own place. Whether he ever joins me in where I'm staying is another matter altogether. Too far in the future to judge. I wouldn't rule out ever living with him again. As I said, I think things would have been a LOT easier when we stayed together if I'd had a job and was out at least part of the time instead of being there 24/7. I do want that whole coming home to him thing though... I do miss that as well as the waking up to someone curled up next to me. Sounds stupid, eh? As I said, give it time and who knows? But yeah... I can't change how I feel. I kinda went on a bit of an emotional outpouring last night (post-coital isn't the best time to do it, I know but... gah, we were both just so relaxed that it kinda slipped out... The words, nothing else ¬_¬) and asked him if he felt uncomfortable with me saying it all. He shook his head (I'll point out that at this point he was snuggled into me so speaking was kinda awkward, plus he was shattered). I then asked if it was comforting to hear and he nodded. Yes, I can interpret nods and stuff through movement on my back... Having said that, he and I can converse with nothing but mutters through mouthfuls of food and still know what each other is saying.

I'm not going to assume much but after seeing his reaction to me being told information that was a) false and b) something he hadn't told me himself, on top of Saturday with him saying he wasn't going to replace me and was offended I'd think so... I'm guessing there's a lot of feelings still there. Iunno... I guess I just don't want to assume too much but at the same time he's awful about talking about how he feels. I just don't want to push too hard for answers but keep it known how I feel.

There's a bit from InMe- Her Mask that kinda sums up the outline of how I feel:

You amaze me more than you could know,
And I need you all the time,
Laying stars you make me dream of bliss,
And I've loved you all the time

But yeah... I've honestly never felt so... amazed by someone... so shocked that they know me so well. Richard knows me much better than he thinks. He just needs to believe in me. I think that's starting to happen. I just want him to know that he doesn't have to be shy about asking me to do stuff with him. I'm MORE than happy and willing to do it, even stuff like wandering around the park and laughing at people (Hehe, failkid and Gordon Freeman spring to mind...). The company does me good and judging from how happy he seemed last night (as well as squeezing my hand getting on the bus and telling me he'll miss me), it'll do him good too. I know he's concerned about the fact that Sarah and I don't get on but, I've offered to make amends and have tried with my apology. If she wants to throw that back at me and say it's bollocks, at least I tried my bit by recognising that I was wrong with part of what I said and ATTEMPTING to try and repair bridges. As I said, I know she's important to him as a friend, therefore I want him to be happy and am willing to make an effort on top of recognising what I'd done wrong. When I'm under pressure, I do tend to be harsher. When I realise afterwards, I apologise. But yeah, regardless of how things are, I try to do the civil thing. It'd be nice if Sarah could see what a laugh I can be. I mean, if Richard's honestly that happy spending time with me, then I can't be a completely bad person and hey, she might even start to get on with me herself! :O

I did lol a bit when he said I've ruined Lego Star Wars for him now because he can't play it one player anymore and that Sarah sucks at it. It was more the loling at him though, bless <3

I dunno... I'm just in the frame of mind right now where I'm trying to sort out all areas of my life now I'm on a roll with things and... I just want to be able to spend time in a happy way again. I'm glad I was able to show Richard yesterday that I DO have my fun side on quite a lot most of the time. The less pressure I'm under, the more "fun" I am. Same with most people. Neither he nor Sarah met me at a great time in my life. I'm glad I'm now in the position where things are changing for the better for me and I hope I can start to fix things a bit further ^_^

Friday, 30 October 2009

Oh I CAN Wait For The Weekend To Begin...

Well... today was... stressful to say the least. Started off with the doctors where I got a letter to support the housing stuff by outlining my history with depression, self harm and attempted suicide over the years. As I'm clearly such a risk to myself, my doctor wouldn't actually prescribe me anything. Kind of a pain but at the same time, I would probably just down all the stuff in an anxiety attack anyway.

I recieved a phonecall from Shelter who have agreed to reopen my case. Appointment with them is next Tuesday. Went onto MAP where I spoke to Tandi again who says that Sarah has decided to take on the finances side of the Dartford tenancy as well as the rehousing situation. Karen (my old keyworker from the refuge) has also agreed to write a letter supporting my case and backing up the history of DV (domestic violence). This should in theory make my case stronger.

I left my stuff at MAP while I went and begged for a crisis loan (least I have some cash for food over the weekend now, all £20 of it), cashed it and then went up to CAPS to present myself again. They have this system where you go in every day that you're sleeping rough so they can keep track and send someone to go check that you actually are.

Came back to MAP after that and Sylvia decided to ask me how things were going since she last saw me. I explained and she offered to try the YMCA again for an overnighter. Apparently I "lied" on my HAF form to them before as I didn't know at the time that I still had the Dartford tenancy until I went to the council who called them. As this tenancy has now ended, I don't see how it would be an issue now, but they do. SO, Sylvia and a few others at MAP were quite pissed off that my case was being considered to be a load of bullshit as they've been dealing with me for months on this, plus there's the backup from my GP and the refuge. They're actually going to lodge a complaint against the YMCA for how they've acted over this. Doesn't solve the immediate problem but... Well, at least I know SOMETHING is being done.

So.. back to tonight... I've got little over an hour until the library closes, then back on the streets again. Least I managed to find somewhere that's sheltered so I won't get rained on.

Plans for the weekend? Continuous job searching as much as I can at the library. I've got my diary booked up for appointments with Shelter, CAPS and various other peoples. Had two emails today regarding jobs: both refusals. Wewt... Still, perseverence and all that jazz.

Where Do I Start? Where Do I Begin?

Hmm, I've been struggling for a title for this post... So much has happened since my last update.

I guess starting with the basics is a good one:

Long story short(ish):

2001-2006 - Bad relationship with a guy who I saw at the time as my knight in shining armour rescuing me from the evil awful clutches of my alcoholic abusive mother. Moved down to London to be with him. He turned out to be a tad violent.

2006 - 2008 - Second bad relationship with another guy who mentally and psychologically destroyed me, threatened to stab me, meaning I moved into a Women's refuge and was rehoused in a flat in Dartford. While I was there, the first ex found out where I was living and I basically tried to off myself. Having miscarried in that August, I wasn't exactly in a sound frame of mind, plus still recovering from all the crap that I'd been through over the past 2 years. My mother told me to move back up to Norwich and stay with her until I sorted stuff out. So I did.


Well, this year has been the worst I've had so far. My mother basically hadn't changed at all, was still drinking, taking it out on me, was the same prejudiced and narrow minded bitch she's always been, meaning nothing I said or did was good enough, I got all the stick for whatever went wrong in her life... Basically, back to the same abusive ways that she'd had before I left home in 2002. It came to a head one night when she came back drunk from a staff work party and started hitting me, followed by throwing me out with nothing but the clothes on my back. I went to the only relative I could think of, my maternal grandmother, not realising that she was still full of bile and hatred towards myself as well as my mother (my family doesn't do well at letting go of things...), meaning my time there ended up being pretty much the same as staying with my mother. With my mother it was me doing endless housework and then being told I did nothing, that I wasn't looking hard enough for a job (you know, because the economic climate has been SO great) and complaining that my housing wasn't moving forwards. Problem with my housing was that by my mother telling me to just walk out of my flat, it's not making them see that I was fleeing from my ex partner. Hence the Council turning round and saying I'm intentionally homeless.

Ok, trying not to get ahead of myself...

From my nan's, I went to the council where I got the whole "u still hebs flat in dartford, we dun caer u tried 2 kill urself u go bak dere ke?" to which I understandably said "lolno". Yeah, I realise I'm being rather flippant in writing this but it's kinda the only way I can cope with it all right now. I knew I couldn't go back to the flat there as it'd just send me back to the same mental state that I was in before. So... I took Richard up on his offer of a settee while I tried to sort my shit out. At the time I had Shelter trying to help me as well as a seperate advice centre. What I kinda didn't expect to happen was for me to fall in love with him. Not because of my situation but... just because he's so damn amazing. Hell, I'm more than happy to sit there and watch him playing stuff on the PS3 etc. Most women would find that incredibly boring and stuff. I don't. Well, obviously because I'm a gamer myself but... you know. Anyways, him still living with his ex (shared tenancy, can't afford the place on his own) caused a few problems. I felt like I couldn't leave the bedroom while she was in the flat. He told me many times that she hated me, therefore I stayed out of her way as much as possible. Then she complained to him that I was anti-social. I mean, WTF? Why would I spend time with someone who hates me? I've done enough of that in the past with my family. I'm fairly certain she was taking credit for me doing housework (although to be fair, I had a few patches where I would just refuse to wash up or clean the kitchen as I had no word of acknowledgement for doing so, making me feel a tad... eh, can't find the word but... It just annoyed me. I don't mind doing stuff if I get a "thanks" every now and then or something. As for me cutting the grass out back, I got sick of being bitten by ants. I was waiting for them to die off but as I was asked to leave at the end of September, I can't say I really had a chance to finish the job. Hand shears are not fun for cutting 3 foot tall grass at the best of times anyway). Yes, I should have been more open with him about when my money was being screwed around with and the setbacks in my housing situations, but the problem was that I didn't want to upset him by telling him bad news incase he got mad at me. Turns out he got mad at me for not telling him. Sometimes we really are damned if we do and damned if we don't. He resented me being there all the time as well. As I said, I felt like I couldn't leave the bedroom. Had a third person not been there, I'd have happily buggered off into the lounge and left him be when he wanted alone time. I can honestly say that all the money I had to give, I gave him. Sure, I kept say £10 here and there to top up my phone and for tobacco, but the majority of what I had, went to him. The problem was that my money was ------ up so often. I can even show him this with the damn letters from them. Anyway, the upshot was that with pressure from the ex (a not so stupid assumption on my part there although it wasn't confirmed by him) along with the various problems between ourselves with communication and finance, it all kinda fell apart at the end of September. Since then I've been sofa-surfing for the past month (not as fun or cool as it sounds) with stays in Leicester and Lewes.

I came back to Norwich on Weds 28th October (yeah, a couple of days before this was written) and spent that night and last night sleeping rough on the streets. And I mean actually on the streets. Trying to find a small little place which is kinda sheltered and quiet is actually really hard. As I got in late on Wednesday night (just gone 10pm), there was little I could do about my situation then. Yesterday I was prepared with numbers and stuff that I'd looked up from Lewes and hit a few places. First stop was a place called CAPS where they assist homeless people find housing as well as actually checking up on them on the streets. They completed another HAF form (something that's like an application for for hostels) with me and submitted it to their own place in Norwich as well as a women's hostel. They also have me booked in for a hostel in Yarmouth from the 5th onwards, so basically it's roughing it until then. Sure, it's not in Norwich, but it's a start at where I need to be.

Second visit was to the Jobcenter where I've been given loads of information about work trials and a jobfair coming up on the 3rd November. They've also offered to pay off my library fines as it'll help me find work due to having no computer/internet access otherwise. Also found out more about the ADF grant towards me getting clothing for interviews (which I do still kinda need...). My appointment for that is on the 10th November at Norwich Jobcentre.

Third place I hit was MAP. Technically Shelter was my first visit of the day where I requested that they reopen my file. Thing is, my tenancy has now ended on my Dartford flat, so Norwich Council can't use that as an excuse with me anymore. All I need cleared up is the whole "u owe us £3k in overpaid benefitz", which I CLEARLY don't as I never recieved any of my housing benefit or council tax benefit directly, plus I was only in the property for a month. Tandi at MAP has already got Dartford Council to confirm this and -crosses fingers- it'll be simply just the shortfall for that month that I'll have to pay as I had to leave as a result of domestic violence. She's going to try and contact the refuge I was in who can back me up over my ex and my past history with abuse, while I'm going to obtain a doctor's letter today to prove that I ain't right in the head. Well, more that I had issues coping with situations that cause great amounts of anxiety, that I have clinical depression, a history of selfharming and have tried to off myself quite a few times. Maybe next time I'll just go for the jumping in front of a train. Just hard to find one going fast enough round here.

So yes, plan for today is Doctors in about an hour, then onto MAP in the afternoon to follow up my stuff there, then presenting myself at CAPS again so they know I'm still on the streets. If you're asking where eating comes into this, it doesn't. I have literally no cash until Tuesday so... Eh, least I'll drop down from a size 14 to something smaller.

But yeah, my main issue has been with how a lot of people have been so blasé about my situation. Sometimes just a small text/message of support goes a long way. Though right now all I really want is a shower and a hug...

And bacon.

Also realised I maybe shouldn't swear QUITE so much as the library seems to get a bit annoyed at that ¬_¬ Stupid filters.

Friday, 11 September 2009

I've Been Going Through Changes

You ever get the feeling that people use you as a playtoy? Well, I've just had that. Past few days with Richard have been great. We've been having fun (or so I foolishly thought), and I figured that all my insecurities had gone away. I'd even got to the point where I was really letting myself go emotionally during sex. I don't like doing that normally as I find it complicates things. I thought we'd put the arguments and stupid shit behind us.
When I woke up this morning, I had something stuck on my mind. I looked at how I feel about him and wondered if he actually really and truly felt the same. One thing popped up in my head: this girl that he slept with a few times behind Sarah (his ex)'s back. Remembering that he hasn't really said much (that I recall anyway) about her, I decided to try and find some stuff out so I knew exactly where I stood. He knew right away today that something was on my mind because he asked me and I tried to cover it up. So, he went off and ignored me. I struggled with it internally for a while then decided that I needed to get it out and talk about it before it got worse. He then accused me of looking through his phone and of accusing me of saying he was having an affair. Shit, all it was was me being stupidly insecure about something that happened in the past and wanting to know how much it would affect things with me and him. I can understand his annoyance though because if he'd said the same thing to me, I'd have been pretty pissed as well. I think I might have been more vocal in trying to discuss how much I care about him though if I were in his shoes.
Then we get to the next part... I asked him when he stopped caring about me. He said a month ago and asked when it was for me. I said that I didn't stop caring, that I still love him. Then he turns around and says he still loves me. WTF? I don't get it.
What I know is this: I love him. I probably shouldn't. I can't seem to stop it. I tried that from the start and it didn't work. But somehow every time that I try to say or do something to prove how I feel, it gets ignored or forgotten. All I seem to hear is that I never say how I feel about him. I hate overusing "I love you" even though it's how I feel. Iunno, it feels clichéd and only a fraction of what I actually feel. I find him totally fascinating as a person. I love how we have so many weird little things in common, the strange conversations we have, the shared sense of humour, the random shit we do for the lulz... I love how he makes me feel so totally amazing, how alive I feel when I spend time with him, how even though I act all freaked out by him staring at me, I actually love it. I'm just not great at vocalising a lot of this. I guess that's one reason why I love my blog so much. I can just write it down, not really think about it and get it out. I wish I was better at talking about stuff like that but I'm just not.
I know how shit things are for him right now and that I'm not making his situation any easier. I can't think of any way around that which won't cause pain. I thought I'd found someone I could finally actually be happy with. Someone who means so damn much to me and actually deserves it. He really does deserve to be happy and I want to be the person to give him that.
I know he sees it as me not really giving much of myself, but I have. I've let myself feel stuff I didn't really want to again. It's been hard as fuck for me to trust anyone after Steve. All the shit he and I did to each other over the years just... well, I kinda said I didn't want to trust anyone again. That I didn't want to get close to anyone ever again. That I didn't want someone to be able to connect with me on such a deep level. With Richard it just happened. I didn't try to make it happen, it just did. I don't know why or how. All I know is that he makes me so damn happy when we're not being a pair of stupid idiots. I do deeply resent having discussions suddenly being called "arguments" when it's a simple matter of debating things to get to the truth. I don't see myself as entirely blameless. I know I can come across as confrontational when it's not my intention. I just hoped he'd read me enough not to think that. Again, I misjudged, no one's fault.
All I know is that nothing I do seems to be right. I have no fucking idea how much he wants me to show him affection. Having last been with someone who was trying to get me to cut all my emotions out of me totally, I'm still struggling to adjust. I've not been a greatly social person since all that shit happened. I still have issues in dealing with others, with simple conversation at times. One thing I can do with my brain after a lot of effort is erase things. It took me a long time to erase how I felt for Steve. With Robbie I was under constant pressure to change who I was, what I think, the essence of who I was, all because of his stupid headfuck delusions. And it's screwed me up. It's not who I want to be. I've felt myself these past couple of months start to be myself again, to start being me once more. I know it's part my work but I've also been influenced by Richard. He's made things easier for me by letting me be me. It just seems that sometimes I can't be myself enough.
Every day is a struggle for me. I have to stop myself from just saying stuff so much. I can't always stop my reactions though. A lot can be read in my face and expressions. No matter how much I hold back the shit I don't want to say because it's not really how I feel, I betray myself. I know he gets frustrated and upset when I get down about things, but I can't help it. My meds can only do so much. It's just... it seems like he thinks I enjoy being like this and I don't. I'm trying so damn hard to change to what I want to be mentally but it seems that it just gets ignored.
There's not one moment that passes that I don't wish that I didn't have all my fucking issues. I didn't ask for any of them. I'd do anything to be rid of the lot. I hate how everything seems to be such a huge struggle, how I seem so often to be lost without a damn map of where I'm going or what I'm doing. How people don't help, how they just leave me to drown. While I feel better talking to people like Nate, they can't practically help me. When I try to help myself, something gets left out. Trying to get professional help for this has been almost impossible. No one gives a shit if you're screwed up in the head. It just seems that my best isn't good enough.
I just... want to be happy. The times that I am happy are fucking amazing. I'm not by any means saying that Richard is the only thing that makes me happy, but he does a lot of it. I just wish I had some indicators as to what I could do in return.
But hey, that seems to be totally pointless after tonight and what he said. I just.. I'm so damned confused. I want my head to stop working for a while so I can figure things out and just have some peace. Shame it doesn't work like that.
As for my original comment about being used like a playtoy? I wonder what exactly he wanted from me. Was I just an amusement? Something to prat around with that backfired on him? I'd rather believe that he really loved me and still does. I just hate living in delusions which is why I like things to be clarified so much. It's just that he's reluctant to do so.

Monday, 3 August 2009

Oya o bby...

So... the great male taboo fantasy... Oddly enough, a lot of females share this fantasy too. Personally, I don't. Maybe because for most of my younger years I was an only child. Maybe because of things that have gone on in my family (not including myself). Maybe because I realise how illogical incest is, at least for myself.

For starters, I want to quote something which I said in a thread about incest on the forums I mod (as that was what inspired this post, not general musings on incest):

Mmkay, the reason it's frowned upon is quite simple. It's all down to the whole point of sex being conception. With society changing only recently into a position where sex for recreation is more or less completely accepted, the stigma still surrounds incest. When people are involving in incestuous relationships, you have to question their motives. In some people it can be a mask for a deepseated emotional problem that they feel requires sex with a family member. Not only that, but if it was acceptable, people would inbreed. You can't deny that the only contraception that is 100% effective is abstinence. All others DO fail. You can't guarantee that no children would be born at all, unless both parties were sterilised, which I think you'll find not many people would go in for, plus again, it would bring about the end of humans. As for allowing non-penetrative activities, I think we all know (those who are sexually active), that it's hard to just stop at that. You can't base a relationship on just that, without one or both parties being unfaithful because they desire penetrative sex.

So really, I can't see how it's beneficial for anyone involved. Like any relationship based on casual sex, it's rare that they work, sad to say.

My opinion is exactly that, an opinion. Based on my own preferences, as well as having a few facts thrown in to back up my beliefs. I've yet to find facts that refute the ones I have, or experienced situations to change my emotional perspective on this. However, show me otherwise, and I might rethink my position. I can understand why some people are incestuous to a degree, but I see it as they're unaware of all the consequences and are making uninformed choices due to lack of information or insuffcient psychatric counselling for the underlying issues behind their desire to partake in incest.

Friday, 17 July 2009

It's Breaking My Heart To Pull Out The Rain

I didn't really mean for this to turn into a personal blog, but hey, not much I can do about that right now. I considered writing this entry in my Livejournal, but it seems wrong to necro it after it being dead for so long. Some things are best left dead.

I've been doing quite a bit of thinking about things this evening. Well, this past week really. Let's go back to last Saturday. Richard and I went to the Lord Mayor's Procession thingie. Started at about 11am after very little sleep to go listen to some jazz outside the library (which was shit, but amusing), went on to poodling around the city laughing at people, drinking and generally having fun. At one point we were sat in Chapelfield Gardens with some random guy who must've been in his 50s, chatting about random things. He was a really nice guy who gave us some fudge and bought us a couple of drinks. We watched the procession, had a few more drinks, watched the fireworks then went onto a club after to meet up with a friend of his. While the music wasn't really my cup of tea, it felt great to be out and dancing again.

I won't go into too much detail, but something happened that night that I don't really want to go into great detail about as I'll be stuck with the memories for quite some time. In short... it affected me a great deal. So much so that I decided that I was responsible for it and should get out of Richard's life because I was sick of hurting people who I love. So I tried to OD on Monday. Not one of my proudest moments. I've been left with a really painful stomach as they didn't actually clear it out.

I really wish I didn't end up in such states. I know they end up hurting the people I'm trying to protect, but I honestly don't know how else to cope with my moods sometimes. It's hard to explain really. It's like I get taken over by things that I can't control. I hate being that way, hate the lack of self-control, hate hurting people I care about.

The thing I worry about the most is that Richard will think I don't love him or stop loving me because he gets fed up with my moods. I still find it hard to understand why he's with me sometimes. I mean, I get that he finds me attractive, that we share a lot of common interests but I just worry that it'll all end too soon. I'm just trying to stay positive and not be all doom and gloom about it all. Maybe one day I'll realise what my good points are. The feelings I have for him are just so... undescribablely amazing that I don't want them to stop. I honestly haven't felt this strongly about someone before and I just can't imagine not having him in my life. This kinda led me onto reading some old emails, which in turn got me thinking about why Robbie thought the way he did about relationships. Maybe in his twisted mind he realised that he was hurting people with his emotions as they were so very different and set out to cut them entirely out of his life. Maybe he could see the same happening to me and that was why he tried to get me to adopt the same way of thinking. Problem is, I can't completely cut out emotions. I can internalise them but then I'm left in the mess, trying to keep myself together, then fall apart in the process. I know the proceedure well enough by now to know it won't work for me. I can't be someone I'm not no more than I can stop being who I am. It's just a shame that who I am is such a fucked up mess a lot of the time. Richard helps me more than he realises. Sometimes it's silly little things like stroking my hair and hugging me, other times it's telling me he loves me or complimenting me.

-sigh- I just wish I could be a bit more expressive with how much he means to me and how much I love him. I just don't know what to do, what to say without it sounding like total and utter cheese. I don't know, I just feel completely inadequate to show him how fucking amazing he is and how much I love him.

Friday, 26 June 2009

Hero Worship

This is a bit of an annoyance for me and has been for quite some time since Diana died and I really became aware of it. Ever noticed how when someone famous or "famous" dies, people go into this bizarre trance of exonerating the person of all their wrongs and praising them for seemingly everything they can think of? Seriously, it's a matter of time before someone starts saying that Micheal Jackson invented a cure of cancer or something. Ok, maybe a tad too far there. For those of you not in the loop, it was announced on the news not too long ago that Micheal Jackson had passed away.

Source right here

Anyways, I was only made aware when my Facebook friends decided to start spamming their statuses talking about his death. I'd seen earlier in the evening that Farrah Fawcett had died as well. Anyway, suddenly my Facebook was being spammed with all these people wittering on about how awesome Micheal Jackson was. Ok, he was a talented artist and dancer. I had respect for him for that but his personal life left me a bit... well, weirded out. Aside from the whole child porn, paedophilia and the like, there was still the fact that he was quite bizarre with how he acted as a parent. I mean, dangling a baby off a balcony? Dressing his children up with veils over their heads? Not being funny, but there's a lot of people who were more famous than him who didn't do such extreme things with their offspring. Sure, he could have been concerned about their being recognised by paparazzi, but isn't that the concern of every celebrity parent? Plus surely with the amount of money he had, he could afford decent security, even if their faces were ever seen.

I don't doubt that he had a difficult life. I remember watching a documentary a few years ago about the childhood he had with his dad being so pushy in regards to his music career along with those of their siblings and the amount of pressure he was under. I felt a great amount of sympathy for him. I realise he had a great struggle and his life was blighted by the media, speculation and much controversy. I do feel sorry that he had to go through so much, but I'm sorry, I refuse to worship someone.

When my nan died, I felt a large amount of grief because it was a personal loss. How many of us actually have personal links on the same level as family ties to celebrities? Not very many. We only see what the media allows us. It's kinda like knowing someone only online. You only see what you're "allowed" to see. A lot of people ridicule online only relationships, yet they are very often the same people who will indulge in this hero worship on behalf of someone they never really knew or even had any personal contact with. Say an online friend of mine died. I'd be upset as I'd had personal interaction with that person, but by no means would I claim that I knew them completely. This is a large issue I have with the grievers or celebrities. They tend to speak of the deceased as though they had a personal relationship with them.

I know it can seem as though someone is "speaking" to you via their music or what they write, but very rarely do you know someone completely. Hell, that hardly happens in couples or families. You never completely know someone. However, having an intimate relationship with someone, in my eyes at least, requires a certain amount of one on one interraction that is unique to the two parties. To me, this is a world apart from what most hysterical grievers claim to have with celebrity figures.

It's not just celebrity deaths though, also with some major events such as 9/11. Bad things happen and people die. It's part of life. How often do you see such things as the Holocaust remembered? Or the Great Plague of 1665? The death of Shakespeare? Very rarely if ever. The media looks for a marketable death, next thing you know there's bandwagoners.

People accuse me for being overly harsh about the deaths of others. To me it's like this: if I died, I'd want people to be light hearted about it. I'd be pissed off (should I still be capable of it) if people just sat around moping without cracking a few jokes at my expense. But that's just me. As I said earlier, I had a great amount of respect for Jackson as a artist and sympathy over his troubled life. The fact that I'm going to laugh at jokes doesn't mean I respect him any less.

With so many problems in society, people need to learn to laugh more and stop being so serious about everything. Laughter is good for you. More so than being down, depressed and wailing about every tiny little drama.

Tuesday, 23 June 2009


Well, I've had a lot to think about the past couple of days. About myself as well as my current situation. It's been painful, tiring and quite frankly bloody depressing. I'm a fair bit annoyed that so much of yesterday was wasted on it. Well, I guess it wasn't ENTIRELY wasted. I mean, despite most of the evening being taken up with tears and talking, I felt a bit lighter that I managed to get certain things off my chest. I mean, it's not easy to tell the person that you love things that you think will upset them. Which was kinda the position I found myself in last night.

Having to talk about my thoughts and opinions on the behaviour of his ex. Now, normally I would have kept all this to myself or complained only to a friend about it, but the problem is that I know how messed up I became from people doing the same thing to me and obviously because I love my boyfriend, I wanted him to see exactly what was going on. Or at least what I perceive to be happening. I don't claim to know everything (and let's face it, no one does), but I was 99% certain with what was going on. My only real doubt was over whether it was conscious or subconscious behaviour and that was the only point I was really lost on. Either way, I don't find it acceptable. I hate being demonised for something I haven't done or that isn't my fault. In this situation I feel that everyone has part blame. The only person who seems to be lashing out with it at others is her. Having said that, my outburst last night doesn't exactly make me a saint but... With everything else going on I'm shocked it hasn't shown itself sooner. So yeah, I've done a pretty good job of keeping myself together. Last night I just.. cracked. As I said, my real regret is that I ended up spending most of the evening in a miserable mood and that ended up with my boyfriend feeling like shit too. I'm still hitting myself for that.

I just wish I could cope with things better. I just can't do happy smiley all the damn time. I know realistically that I can't as well. I just wish that I could control my moods a bit better and not hurt those I care about with them. What frustrates me is that I know the person I love is sick of being caught up in the middle of this. I don't want him to feel like that, yet I have no idea what I could do to change the situation other than remove myself completely from his life. As I said last night to him, it's not going to change much once I get my own place. There's still going to be this misery hanging around. Maybe moreso than what there is right now because she'll be the only person here with him, therefore more chance to try guilting with me out of the way. I'm not exactly sure what it is she wants; whether she wants him back, just doesn't want him to be with someone else or what. But I learned that life doesn't always go to plan and we don't always get what we want. For once, I have a chance of having something I want and I intend to keep fighting for it because I truly believe that it's worth it. That's the only reason that I'm not giving up and throwing in the towel. If the suffering becomes to great... I might have to reconsider. I just wish things were easier or that I had another solution for this, but I don't. It's frustrating the hell out of me. I hate seeing him unhappy but I know he'll be unhappy without me as well.

This brings me onto a concept that I studied in Philosophy; Utilitanarianism (I always have trouble pronouncing it). Quite simply put, it's "the greatest good for the greatest number of people". While I subscribe to this principle for many things, of late I've started to become more selfish as following the above principle has caused me a lot of pain in putting others before myself all the time. I want to do something for myself for once, something that will make ME happy. Considering how much unhappiness I've had in my life and how rarely chances for happiness come along for me, I want to grab something this amazing with both hands and not let go. I know pretty damn well for certain that I'm not going to find someone else who can just "get" so much of who I am or share so much in common with.

It's been difficult for me to cope with my feelings. I mean, initially I was scared to say anything at all, such was my phobia of being laughed at or rejected. I know I didn't mean for things to happen as fast as they did, or in the current situation. I suppose I'd best start from the beginning:

When I met him, it was simply through chatting on a site. He added me to MSN and we had a few random conversations. I made a bit of a smutty comment one day and he mentioned he hada girlfriend, so I respected that and backed off with those sort of things. We texted each other a tad as well, and then when I wasn't able to stay where I was, I texted him about the situation as I thought he'd get a laugh out of it and because I was totally out of my mind at the time. I figured trying to make a joke out of it would help me. Anyway, we met that day and I... I knew right then there was something. I tried to put it out of my head as my situation being the sort that would make me go all hero-worship, but even without that, there was something. When he initially offered me a sofa for the night, I declined and sorted something else out. The real fuckup came after a visit to the council when they refused to accept me as homeless due to an existing tenancy in Dartford, to which I tried to explain that I couldn't return to it due to issues with an ex-partner and domestic violence. I was then screwed as far as assistance with accomodation went, which is when he stepped in and offered. With the amount of insisting that was going on, I accepted, knowing that the situation would be awkward as hell. He broke up with his girlfriend the night before I had to leave, which was a reason I was tentative about taking up his offer. I was aware there would be some backlash over his decision, that there would be some jealousy, that there would be some hate.

The fact of the matter is that it feels as though she's blaming me for them breaking up. I was assured many times by him that this wasn't the case, that the problems had been there for ages. It seems this is being ignored and it's easier to use me as a scapegoat. Probably also because it's apparent that he enjoys spending time with me so much, that we're very alike with our interests and have fun together. If I'm truthful it feels like I'd have a hell of a list of things to apologise for, but this time I'm standing my ground and refusing to be so subservient and cave in because of someone trying to put me on a guilt trip because I make her ex happy. I don't know how I've managed to fall in love so fast and so deeply. All I know is this feels more right than anything else I've ever experienced. Sure, there's the crap timing and situation but what I feel inside... I can only say that it eclipses anything I've felt for anyone else before. I used to be very disbelieving in love happening so fast. It's not often I use the "L" word with someone to begin with, and especially not this fast. I just hate being made to feel like this whole thing was orchestrated when it really wasn't... You can't choose who you fall in love with or when. I don't for one second regret meeting him or how happy he makes me. I just hate seeing someone I love being hurt and not being able to do a damn thing about it. I can stand what's said about me, as much as it may irritate, but to hear him being so mercilessly slagged off... I can't. No matter how much I'm told not to worry about him, I do. I can't turn that off.

So what's my solution? To keep working towards my goal of getting my own place. What the fuck else can I do? If I just up and leave it'll hurt him more. Sleeping rough would have the same effect. All I can do is endure as always and cherish every second that I spend with him.

I know I can be strong. I just hope he feels I'm worth all this hassle and stays strong with me.

Sunday, 21 June 2009


Just realised I have this nice, shiny new blog that I haven't written in yet seems as good a time as any. I do miss my old Livejournal, but some things are best left in the past, really. This is, after all, a new beginning, a new chapter.. a new start. Not a new hope cuz that'd just be too Star Wars for my life.

I've missed writing... a lot. I used to use it as not just a form of self-expression but also getting general crap out of my head as well as a kind of detox thingie. You'd be shocked how effective it can be.

So, where to start? After 23 years of crap from most people who have touched my life, I appear to have found someone who only wants the opposite for me. I'm incredibly grateful to have found him. With my past relationships being kinda... well, crap (clearly, or I'd still be in one of them), I'm shocked that I ended up finding something better than what I've had in the past.

I guess the main guy in my life was Steve... I loved him but at the same time I felt trapped in a relationship that I was quickly outgrowing. But because I cared about him so much, I tried to save what was no longer there. It took me a long time to realise that in the 5 years we'd been together that we were essentially two different people and no longer right for each other. It was part fear of change that held me back. While I don't usually condone the whole self-help books thing, I have to say that Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers did actually help. However it wasn't until some time later that I discovered this book. Point is, I felt so deeply about Steve and made him the centre of my world. I've since realised that a truly healthy relationship involves a tad of selfishness. However, I've experienced the extreme of this in another ex-partner and think I kinda have an idea of what the right balance is now. I now know I can not only have my own feelings about a situation, but that they're equally valid and important as those of my partner.

Fact is, I loved him deeply. It took some time for that to come through though. What I have now... I was shocked by the speed of it coming out. But honestly, there is nothing about who I have now that I'm unhappy about. Ok, so sometimes he can hit on sensitive points a tad too hard in jest, but overall as a person, I'm blown away by how thoughtful and loving he is. Sure, our starting a relationship right now wasn't the best time but... neither of us can help loving each other. You can't choose who and when... it just happens. In my case, no matter how awkward it may be, I'm glad it did. Words simply can't describe how much I care for him, how much I enjoy spending time with him, or how much I adore him as a person. I by no means worship him but... I love him deeply and to know it's reciprocated on the same level is the best feeling of all.

So yeah, there's my slushy entry for the day.